Living the Life

Human Trafficking -- A Redemption Story

2012-01-12T07:39:00.000-06:00

I had been wanting to post this story since Sunday, and I just found out that yesterday was Human Trafficking Awareness Day (thanks to my friend, Emily!) So, that makes this post all the more timely.

So, as you probably know, our team volunteers at a local government-run facility for orphans and youth who have been removed from unstable home situations. This particular facility previously housed a juvenile detention center, so many people still see it as the place for bad kids. While part of our ministry there is to encourage and affirm the kids by pointing them to God's love, I also feel like another aspect of our involvement is to serve as a prophetic witness to our neighbors. The fact that we willingly spend our time there and can speak of the kids beyond the typical characterization as "naughty" is quite remarkable to many people. The kids who end up at this center mostly come from Gauteng Province, but some come from other parts of South Africa and even other African countries.

This story is about a girl, we'll call her Mary, who arrived at the center several months ago from a country in East Africa. You see, Mary was an orphan in her home country. I don't know the full story, but from what I've heard, a nice neighbor approached Mary and whoever was taking care of her and offered to bring her to South Africa for a better education. Mary had been trying to attend school and take care of her younger siblings. I'm sure the opportunity sounded appealing to Mary -- it was probably a bit scary too, but it was a chance at a new future! Or, maybe Mary didn't even know what was promised and was just told to go without asking any questions. So, Mary went with this neighbor. When they arrived in South Africa, Mary learned that she was actually part of a deal with an older South African man who wanted to take her as his wife. Mary is14 years old. So, this neighbor who had fed Mary on hopes of a new life was now handing her over to this strange man -- not quite the future that Mary had imagined. This is no way for a 14 year old girl to live, and Mary knew that. So, she somehow escaped the man's possession and sought refuge at the Catholic church that she had attended with the neighbor when she first arrived in South Africa. Oh yeah, one more thing -- Mary didn't speak a word of any South African language. Why would she? So, she found someone at the church who could translate to the priest and explain her situation. The priest contacted the officials and thus, Mary ended up at the facility where my team volunteers.

The story gets better. I met Mary after she arrived at the Center, but she was shy and hesitant because she couldn't speak the local language. As I've learned -- if you can't speak the local language here, it can feel like you're on a different planet! You have no idea what's going on around you and you can't share your feelings, confusions, or questions with anyone. And most of the kids who suddenly became her dorm-mates were probably unfamiliar with a peer from another country, so what could they do?

My teammate Luc and I went to the facility this past Sunday to support them as they resumed their regular Sunday church services for the kids. Since it was the first Sunday of the year, several kids got up to share their testimonies of what God had done in the past year, or resolutions they were making for change in the new year. And then, Mary came up to the stage. Luc accompanied her because, by God's amazing providence, he also speaks the same language as Mary. Ever since Mary arrived at the Center, Luc's presence has been like a beacon of hope to her -- I imagine a very real demonstration to remind her that God had not forgotten her. You could tell Mary was still feeling shy, but there was also some spark about her, like something inside she just needed to let out. She proceeded to tell her story, through Luc. She arrived at the Center not knowing anyone or anything about the place. She was totally alone. Even though she had been in grade 9 in her home country, the staff placed her in grade 6 at the school on the premises. She struggled, she said, because she couldn't understand what the teachers were saying or teaching. The only thing she understood was math, because "the numbers speak for themselves." She said the teachers were gracious, spending extra time trying to help her understand. She reached out to another child and somehow, despite their lack of common language, they were able to communicate and help each other. The smile on Mary's face continued to get bigger and bigger as she told her story. You could tell that this was something she was meant to share. By the end of the school year, Mary said, she had passed all her subjects and now she'll be going on to grade 7. This is amazing! I sat there, my heart welling up with joy and awe. It was an encouragement to me, also still feeling like such a foreigner in this place, that Mary came and not only figured some things out, but learned how to thrive in such a strange new place. That's a tall order for any 14 year old, not to mention all that she had experienced to bring her to that point.

It was only after Mary shared her story on Sunday that I learned the previous parts of her journey. And that just made the latter chapter all the more amazing -- just think about what could have happened to Mary. And although visiting the Center is not always filled with pictures of hope and encouragement, on this day it was. Sure, most of the kids there wish they were with their real families, but Mary was experiencing the redemption of God on a daily basis. He had taken her situation, with the deception, death, and injustice it carried, and was turning it into something beautiful, in a place where Mary could succeed and discover who she was made to be. I was filled with hope as I thought about Mary's story and what else God might do through her.

Some good sites to check out regarding the fight against Human Trafficking:
International Justice Mission
Not for Sale
Slavery Footprint

Friends blogging about Human Trafficking:
Emily
Amanda

On trials & steadfastness...

2011-09-05T11:18:00.001-05:00

From the FighterVerses blog on August 29, commentary on James 1:12, "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.". (Read the full original post here: http://www.fighterverses.com/blog-post/how-do-we-remain-steadfast-in-trials/)

"…People who turn away from God under trial show that they treasure a trial-free existence more than they treasure God.

God's people do not treasure a thornless life. Their chief aim is not to a have a tribulation-free existence. Their chief aim is to see Christ glorified and to be satisfied in the sight of his glory, and this is why they can remain steadfast under trial.

In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 a trial came to Paul in the form of a thorn in the flesh, and Paul pleaded with God to take it away. God chose to let Paul remain with the thorn in the flesh. Did Paul then forsake God, saying, "What good is it to follow you if I don't achieve what I really want through you?" No. Rather, he began to see his trial as something to boast in, because he saw that Christ was being glorified—Chris's strength & grace were becoming more evident—in Paul's weakness. This is where steadfastness under trial comes together with love for God. Paul's treasure was not a thornless existence, it was Jesus glorified. He loved God, more than anything."

Amen and amen! Lord, I'm certainly not there yet, but may trials increase my steadfastness and my love for you.

When the Lights Go Out

2011-08-22T11:13:00.001-05:00

So, last Wednesday, I woke up in the middle of the night and glanced over at my clock to see the time. But, my clock was dead—power's out, I realized, and rolled over and went back to sleep. Now, power outages at my house are not too uncommon. In Sosh, and I think in most of South Africa, instead of paying a bill at the end of the month for how much power you have used, you prepay and then reload as you get low. I don't entirely understand how it works, but basically you have an account and you go to certain places (corner stores, random people's homes, gas stations, etc.) and give them money and they top-up your account and then you go home and type in some code into your little power meter box and the lights stay on. Well, the power goes out at my host family's house several times each month. I think it's a situation of everyone thinking someone else is going to re-load the account, but then it gets down to zero and zap, lights go out. This usually only lasts a few hours each time since as soon as it happens, someone makes their way to top-up and then the lights come back on. So, that's what I thought had happened on Wednesday…the power meter ran out overnight and it would need to be topped-up when the family woke up. But then, when I was getting ready in the morning, I checked with my next door neighbor just to verify my suspicions that it was just our house. "No lights!" she said. Hhmm…this was a different problem than I had anticipated! The infrastructure in Sosh certainly has some bumps and issues, but I had only experienced one other large-scale power outage since January and it was resolved within a few hours. So, that's what I was hoping for.

I made my way to Block HH for our usual team meetings and learned that power was out there too! This was not good, but at least it meant it wasn't just a small problem. Surely, the more people without power meant the sooner it would get fixed, right? Oh yeah, and it was a beautiful sunny day, so there wasn't any weather-related cause to the problem. As a team we chatted a bit about what could be the issue, but it was all just guessing. Someone said that perhaps a cable had been stolen, a common problem here. There was a phone cable stolen back in March or April and it cut off landline service to Block HH and Luc & Petunia's house. I'm not really sure what happened, but apparently the phone company just decided not to fix it. Also, there is a new high-speed train service that connects Johannesburg to Pretoria. The stations in Pretoria just opened in the beginning of August and in the past two weeks, there have been at least two incidents of overnight cable theft which have disabled train service for commuters! Oysh. Oupa, my teammate who has grown up in Sosh, reassured us that it would be fixed before the end of the day. He has experienced his fair share of outages, but it had always been resolved quickly. Luc made a comment that it was a good thing we weren't in the Congo, where he grew up, since sometimes it can take up to 6 months to fix a power outage! (Side note – I tried to apply reason and logic to this situation, thinking there's no way it could take so long to fix, but I soon realized that all my powers of reason had no effect on the actual reality of the situation. It could potentially never get fixed!)

So, the day continued and frustrations grew about the power. When you have the sense that it could come back on any minute, you start keeping track of the minutes as they go by without any change. We carried on and had our Tswana lesson that afternoon as usual. Fortunately, Mama Jane has a gas-powered stove in her garage so we could still make tea J Mama Jane invited me to stay and eat dinner with her family, but I decided to venture back to Block GG and see what my neighbors were up to.

I stopped in at my friend Thembi's house and my neighbors Sherz and Tsholo were already there! My main priority was figuring out a plan for dinner and while everyone was concerned about the power, no one else seemed quite as worried as I felt. The main topic at that point was the death of a South African Soapie star. (The rumor of his death, by the way, later proved to be untrue.) So, as they discussed the fate of the soap opera, I kept trying to interject with questions about dinner. By that point, we knew that it was only some sections of some blocks of Sosh that were without power and it didn't seem like there was any rhyme or reason to which blocks still had power and which didn't. The main shopping area of Sosh still had power, so my proposed solutions all involved taking a taxi to one of the fast-food places and buying dinner for everyone. My whole concern was how we would eat, and where we would go to get food, and how we needed to do it before dark. My neighbors, though, are far more resourceful than I am as most made some sort of fire in the front, side, or back of their house and cooked a nice meal. I forget that most of the adults in my neighborhood grew up in areas where electricity was not a standard and cooking on the fire outside was a feature of daily life. This reminded me of my ignorance and naiveté and lack of resourcefulness! So, as those conversations continued around me, only occasionally in English, I decided to sit back and relax and pray that the lights would come back on. When it gets dark, there are only a few things you can do, and sleep is one of them. At some point, Thembi remembered she had a gas stove in the garage. So she and Sherz got a ride to a gas station to buy some gas. But, when they got back they realized that the keys to the garage were in the pocket of Thembi's brother, who was on the train home from work. By this point it was 8 pm and there was no clear plan. I had eaten a slice of bread around 7pm and it seemed like that would be it for the night. I walked back home with Sherz and got ready for bed, as best as I could, in the dark. I was definitely thankful for the head-lamp that I got before I came to South Africa! I went to sleep that night hoping to wake up to lights on in the morning.

Thursday morning came and my clock was still dead. As was my lamp, refrigerator, and everything else that used electricity. I was really getting worried now about the meat in my freezer and the milk in my fridge. I have learned that refrigeration here is not such a big priority for people, as often frozen chicken sits out all day to defrost or cooked meals just don't get put in the fridge at the end of the day. But, I haven't quite adopted that attitude and I hated to think that I'd have to throw away money if my uncooked meats went bad. My frustration was growing, but so were my prayers. I still didn't know what the issue was, but I knew that ultimately there were people who did have the authority and ability to fix the lights. And I knew that ultimately God had authority to move their hearts to restore our power. At the same time, it was a good reminder about the people that live their whole lives without electricity. This is certainly a luxury, as far as the sheer numbers of people in the world who go without, but I take it for granted every day. I expect it and don't really think about how privileged I am to have it.

I noticed anxiety and anger growing in my heart so I decided to spend my quiet time that morning just asking God to help me find contentment even in this undesirable situation. I turned to Philippians 4:11-13: "…I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want (whether with electricity or without ß my addition). I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Now, this was written by the apostle Paul, a man who faced troubles larger than a power outage. And yet, he could say with confidence that he had learned the secret to true contentment—to always rely on God for strength. That was the secret that I wanted to be true in my heart, on Thursday morning, but actually on every day. As I meditated on that passage, I just kept asking God to grant me that strength to be content in this very frustrating situation. I knew complaining and worrying wouldn't change anything, and I also realized that everyone would be complaining. I didn't want my heart to settle on a complaining spirit in this situation, and I knew that the only way that would be possible was through God's strength. Then I was reminded of 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18: "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." Well, there you have it. The "secret" that so many Christians claim to be seeking is right there in black and white—God's will for YOU is to be joyful, keep praying, and give thanks in everything. So as much as I struggle with that on a daily basis, I wanted it to be true of my heart and attitude in this situation.

Having meditated on these verses helped me as I took a very cold bath that morning. I thanked God for clean water and for the usual ability to heat the water. I thanked God that I have a bathroom in which to bathe and for all the other things I usually take for granted or don't appreciate. And those verses also helped me too as I walked to Block HH that morning. As soon as I stepped out onto the main road, the brightness of the sun caught me off guard. I just paused for a moment to admire the glory of the day, blue skies and all. As I sat in my bed, brooding and worrying and wishing things would change already, the day seemed so dark and gloomy. But I realized that God's light was still shining. That bright sun and blue sky were a reminder that God has made even this day too, even the days that are frustrating and that He is still at work. As much as the present situation seems grim and hopeless, God's light is still shining. Often, for me, it is a matter of taking my eyes off my own problems and looking up to see the light.

I made my way to Block HH and the power was still not on. I learned of some of the rumors floating around – someone had stolen the cables; some of the municipality workers were on strike so they didn't have the normal manpower to fix it; they were using this as a strategy to hold out on their employers and somehow get the public on their side to join them in their wage demands. It really felt like we were being held hostage because we hadn't done anything to be part of this struggle. In addition to those other meditations, I gained a new appreciation for all the psalms and prayers in the Bible on behalf of the oppressed. This was a tiny, tiny taste of "oppression," but it really felt like we were being punished unjustly. We were being used in the labor dispute, and we were paying the price. That was the rumor anyway. Later on, there were rumors about the water being shut off too as more municipality workers joined in the strike and tried to get us on board with their cause.

This reminded me of stories I've heard from the struggle to end apartheid. There were people who would organize boycotts and protests against the government, but they didn't end there. They would threaten and harm those who chose not to participate in the boycotts and protests. So, I felt like this strong-arming tactic was re-appearing in this situation. Again, perhaps just a small taste of South African history, but it was interesting. (Side note: there seems to be a "strike season" in South Africa. Every year, around the same time, various industries—mining, service workers, bus drivers, etc.—strike for improved working conditions, wage increases, etc. Another interesting piece of local culture…)

We carried on with after-school tutoring on Thursday afternoon since it really doesn't require electricity. Thank God for all the things we still could do despite the power outage. During the day it wasn't so bad, but night was when we felt really powerless—literally and figuratively! I walked back to GG on Thursday afternoon, anticipating a nice hot meal cooked on Thembi's gas stove, since by then her brother had returned with the garage keys. I stopped at home first and saw Sherz & Stan, my next-door neighbors, making a small fire. What about Thembi's stove, I asked. It had a leak apparently and was not gonna be used, after all that! So, I donated my thawing meats to the dinner cause since I figured they'd have to be thrown away if I didn't use them that night. So, Stan cooked a nice meal for us on the fire – pap (like thick grits, a staple starch of most meals here; chicken; ground beef. I stayed near the fire with Stan and advised him on the chicken – he had never cooked skinless, boneless before since most people in the township buy and eat full-skin, full-boned chicken meat. It was actually quite fun, Stan and I started singing and I got the chance to learn more about his upbringing. He told me his family didn't have electricity where they lived until he was about 15, so he was very accustomed to cooking outside on the fire. Sherz also didn't have electricity growing up, but they cooked on a coal stove. My ignorance sometimes astounds me, especially as I learn more and more of how other people live. I guess it seems obvious to realize that not everyone has grown up the same way as you, but when you actually learn about real people and the lives they have actually lived, it's quite eye-opening! We enjoyed a tasty dinner that night, complete with three meats (chicken, beef, and some beef stew bones)! It was a feast :)

I went back to my room after eating and decided to read. I was just getting ready to start reading when, in one moment, I heard the hum of the fridge and my clock started blinking again. THE POWER CAME ON!!!!! I screamed!!! Hahaha Sherz heard me and didn't yet realize the lights were back on so thought something was wrong. I ran outside and called her and then I danced to celebrate. I was so excited and praising the Lord! It was amazing.

All in all, this was a good learning experience, though I hope to not have to go through that lesson again! And the moral of the story is: appreciate what you have because you never know when the lights will go out!

The Bang Bang Club

2011-08-02T07:48:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I saw The Bang Bang Club. I had heard only bits and pieces about the movie—I knew it was about a group of photojournalist friends, and they spent some time filming in South Africa. Turns out it is based on a true story of 4 white South African photojournalists who worked together during the last years of Apartheid, documenting the violent uprisings that preceded the transition to a democratic government. I definitely recommend the movie, especially to get a different perspective on the ending of Apartheid.

I didn’t realize the history, but there were not only two sides in the Apartheid fight. It wasn’t just blacks vs. whites, but ended up being much black vs. black fighting. It was really eye-opening to me to see how latent frustrations among blacks were stoked by the pro-Apartheid forces to create intra-racial conflict. I guess if they kept them from having one common enemy, they felt their resistance would be weakened. I will admit that I struggled at times to focus on the story of the main characters and their photojournalist lives because I was so disturbed by some of the images they were capturing (and I was seeing) of the intense fighting between black South Africans in the townships. Not only did my heart break to see the terrible and true recent history of this country, but my heart also broke for the way these journalists had to basically become desensitized in order to continue working. I certainly agree that people need to see these images, and thus there need to be photographers to capture them. But I can’t imagine how they must learn to cope as witnesses to so much suffering. You can see the shift in the main character in the beginning, as the internal conflict plays out—care for these people I’m photographing or just move on to get the next shot? This dissonance continued throughout the film.

Another thing that stuck in my mind is how so many people here in Soshanguve will ask me “Is South Africa nice?” or “Do you think Soshanguve is nice?” (People here like to use the adjective “nice” as a general catch-all affirmative term.) And of course, they want me to say yes, and I do say yes because I do think that there is good in this place. But it’s an interesting question, and this movie reminded me it’s much more loaded than just considering anywhere a “nice” place to live. It’s different than calling Deerfield, IL “nice” because not even 20 years ago, these townships were not “nice.” Most of the movie took place in various townships, mostly around Johannesburg. And those townships honestly looked much the same as Soshanguve does today…except nearly every scene was filled with mobs, or burning tires, or dead bodies, or gunfire. So for someone who has grown up here, especially the older generation, to be able to ask me, a naïve white American, if I find this place to be “nice” is quite remarkable. The history is not that ancient—this movie took place while I was in junior high school! There’s just so much more baggage than I even realize behind the peace and relative calm of this place now. And frankly I think I forget about that a lot of the time. So the movie was a good, if disturbing, reminder.

One of the photojournalists ends up traveling to the Sudan to cover a story of a famine. We see shots of people in a UN feeding station and then we see the character wandering off into the desert. With his camera, he captures the scene of a starving girl, crouching on the sand, and a vulture just a few feet behind, seemingly waiting for the girl to die. It’s a captivating image (link?) and, as his friends commend him later, it was a great shot. In fact, the photographer won a Pulitzer Prize for it. But the thing that haunted him after was how everyone wanted to know what happened to the girl. Didn’t he intervene? Didn’t he help her? Wasn’t it his responsibility, as a witness to the crisis, to step in and respond? As he put it later in a radio interview, photojournalists capture these images that the world needs to see. Often the images show some real evil. And then, people want to shoot the messenger. And I have had that feeling—in fact had that feeling a lot during the movie. How can we diminish someone’s life and death to just “a great shot?” How can they stand there and take pictures of these terrible things and then just walk away, expecting to get paid for documenting someone else’s misery? But the truth is, the goal of the pictures is to prod us, the viewers, into asking those questions of ourselves. If we are willing to ask why they didn’t do something shouldn’t we also be willing to ask why we don’t do something? If I see the picture, do I have as much responsibility to respond as the one who witnessed the act in person?

But I am just like the photographers. It was eerie watching this group of white guys just drive in and out of the townships, amidst the fighting and burning and chaos, and just go along with their lives. And I sometimes feel like them. I don’t see the pain just below the surface. Like the photographers, I have the privilege of leaving the township whenever I feel like it. The juxtaposition of scenes between township and the neighborhoods where the photographers lived wasn’t lost on me. It was so easy to just drive a few kilometers away and forget about all the suffering you witnessed just an hour earlier. At one point, the main character nearly explodes with this internal conflict as he is driven to despise all sides in the conflict. His girlfriend calms him down by telling him “it’s okay,” which doesn’t really do it justice, though there was not much else she could have said. I don’t want to be insensitive. I don’t want to find ways to rationalize or de-humanize the people I live among in order to feel less pain at their pain. This is not just a movie for my neighbors here—this was their real life.

Towards the end of the movie, we see long lines of black South Africans, waiting to vote in the first democratic election in 1994. And we see people side by side who, just days and weeks before, had been running from or at each other, wielding guns and knives. How does that happen? Does that mean there is real peace and forgiveness? It made me wonder if that is still the case today—do my neighbors, some of whom were perhaps involved in such fighting and riots just a few years ago, still harbor animosity and resentment toward each other? How do those feelings just go away overnight because someone says the fighting is over? It seems people here want to just move on and forget about it, but that won’t heal deep wounds. I want to understand and I long to see real healing come.

Perhaps for viewers of this movie who don’t live in a South African township, the experience will be different. Maybe they will find the storyline of the Bang Bang Club and their camaraderie to be more compelling than the “background” story happening all around them. But for me it was the other way around—the photojournalists were just a vehicle to show recent history in a new light.

more thoughts on the "rainbow nation"

2011-06-02T07:42:00.002-05:00

I came across this article recently and my impression is that while the author has some valuable observations about South Africa, he probably didn’t spend most of his time in any of those “shanty towns,” like Sosh, where my perspective has been shaped. I agree that it is miraculous that apartheid is legally ended and in many ways people of different races do interact on seemingly “normal” levels. But, at the same time, I wonder how deep those interactions really go. Most white families and white-owned businesses still employ a black person to cook/clean/garden. Many of those domestic workers are the same ones who worked in those homes before apartheid ended. I visited the office of an accountant in Pretoria North several months ago and most of the women who worked there were Afrikaans. When I told them I lived and worked in Soshanguve, they looked at me as if I were an alien. They responded by marveling at how amazing it was that I would come all the way from America to live there while they had lived not 40 miles away and had never even visited. It got me to wondering if there really even was anything obvious that would bring them to Sosh, that would help them see beyond the stereotypes they held of a scary place inhabited by criminals and desperate people.

Another thing that has become clear from my four months of living in Sosh is the distinction that we often place on quality of life vs. value of life. “As with many squatter camps around Johannesburg, Zandspruit residents live in squalid conditions, sharing toilets and communal taps, with little or no electricity. Neighboring suburbs have some of Africa's most expensive real estate.” This quote from this article reflects a common sight in South Africa.

The terms "quality" and "value" are often used together when we think about a purchase we want to make, but when it comes to describing life often they are total opposites. We, whether in America or South Africa or other places I assume, have internalized this message that the outer quality of our lives implies the inner and eternal value of the same. I have realized that often the luxury that we desire is just the comfort and ease of convenience. We think the good life is having what we want, when we want it, without having to work hard to get it. I have had the odd and ironic experience of sitting with my neighbors, in their corrugated tin shack, watching an episode of MTV Cribs. The whole point of the show is to elicit the covetousness of our hearts towards the excesses of celebrity. But for those who have to walk outside to use the toilet, without a distinction between kitchen/living room/dining room/bedroom/home office, the allure of it all is obvious and natural. My instinctive disdain for that show and the lifestyle it promotes riles up naturally, but I have to catch myself when I realize the privilege that informs my attitudes juxtaposed with the realities of my neighbors’ lives. This situation even brought up that quality vs value of life internal debate when I tried to convince my friend Sherz that that was not the “good life.” But Emily, she asked, what is?? Following God! I told her, excited at the chance to answer such a question. But again, the realities of life can obscure that truth. When we cling to physical things of comfort, as I have been tempted to do here, we forget not only about eternal comfort but also about the God who provides our daily bread.

...and here is another eye-opening article about the state of the South African family

Reflections on Holy Week

2011-05-05T06:23:00.000-05:00

…hey, better late than never, right?

I observed Holy Week this year by reading through each day’s Scriptures that corresponded to the last week of Jesus’ life on earth. I’m not sure if I had ever done that before, but I found it to be very powerful this year.

Palm Sunday: Mark 11.1-11

Jesus comes riding into Jerusalem, triumphantly, on… a donkey. He knows exactly what he’s entering into, and he knows that this scene begins the end of his time on Earth. Lord, let us reflect your humility. Let us not insist on our own privilege or position or power. Let us live in light of the victorious king who came in on a donkey. Let your light speak for itself through our lives. “Rescue us! Blessed is the One who comes in the name of the Lord!” Let our praise be genuine, surely rooted even when our troubles appear more real than your presence. Lord, let us reflect your mercy; that of a God who loves a fickle people, who was faithful to the ones that he knew would desert him. Let us not work for the praises of people, but for the fruit which lasts forever.

Holy Week Monday: Mark 11.12-19

Rough day for Jesus—first the curse on the fig tree, then turning over tables in the temple. What Jesus really wants to see from our lives is fruit – and not just the appearance of fruit. Here we have a tree with leaves, seemingly a sign of produce. But, it bears no figs. And then Jesus goes to the temple and sees pilgrims being exploited and priests acting authoritatively while God’s house is disrespected. Jesus can see past our appearances to our heart. He warns against being white-washed tombs and in this case against being a fruitless tree. He is the one who grows fruit in our hearts, but we must submit to his pruning and cultivation.

The other thing is the irony of our plans vs. God’s—the priests started to plot Jesus’ destruction after the table-turning but Jesus already knows it is coming. Their fear of him and his influence over the crowds, their fear of losing power and influence for their own sake, push them to want to destroy him. Do I fully allow Jesus to influence all my life or do I still try to hold on to some of my own influence and control? Lord, I want to give you free reign over my life.

Holy Week Tuesday: Mark 11.20-13.37

Jesus reminds his disciples to trust God, and pray without doubting. I’d say most of my prayers are not doubtful, but I think I have a hard time praying for REALLY big and miraculous things, believing they will happen. My instinctive cynicism creeps in when I read “Whatever you pray for or ask from God, believe that you’ll receive it and you will.” That statement doesn’t seem confusing or difficult to understand, but my faith in this regard is unfortunately limited to what I can see. But, it’s a good thing that the One who answers prayers sees beyond my sight.

The rest of the day is filled with priests and teachers trying to stump Jesus with various questions about the law and His interpretation of them. Of course, they don’t succeed.

Holy Week Wednesday: Mark 14.1-11

Wherever the good news is told, this story of the woman anointing Jesus with her perfume will be told. I must be careful to not just take a short-sighted practical view, like the dinner guests in the story. She lavishly “wasted” her resource, all to adore Christ. Lord, help me to be so lavish, to adore you so freely and fully, without being discouraged at what others might think. Allow me to use my resources to worship you, beyond mere practicality. Help me to see the long-view and seek your Kingdom first. Transform my perspective to be more like Yours.

Maundy Thursday: Mark 14.12-72

Jesus and his disciples celebrate the Passover feast, remembering God’s historical deliverance, but Jesus also knows it is about to have new meaning. Communion is instituted at this meal while Jesus knew he was eating with his betrayer. He also knew all his disciples, his closest friends, would desert him in his time of most need and he felt the angst and distress of the task that lay before him. But he was fully surrendered to God’s will—it is for this reason He has come. Armed guards lead him to the priests—the irony of their attempts at “judgment”; no witnesses against Him because all his claims are true. He offers no self-defense. He is who He says He is! But in efforts of their own self-justification, the leaders must destroy Him since he reveals their hypocrisy. Lord, help me to be so surrendered to your will. I don’t generally know what’s coming next but even in this situation, in the worst of events when Jesus knew exactly what lay before him, he surrendered. Please help me to rely on You as my defense—not defending my rightness, but Your authority, as it brings repentance, forgiveness, mercy, justice, power, love, and Jesus’ righteousness.

Good Friday: Mark 15.1-47

The curtain was torn in the moment of Jesus’ death. To those still confused, not seeing the deeper meaning, this might seem terrible. And even in Jesus’ pain, this tearing which was accomplished was beautiful! Yes, it disturbed temple tradition but that’s because it meant a new way forward—open access to God for everyone. Jesus’ blood replaced the earthly veil. Lord help me remember it is this blood-veil which purifies me to enter your presence—not my own self. Now God is free to abide with us beyond the earthly veil! Jesus experienced great pain, feelings of neglect, even in this moment of obedience and glory. Following God often brings suffering; pain is not a sign of God’s absence. He did this for me—and everyone! Moments of great suffering can be moments of great victory.

Holy Week Saturday

A sense of stillness, silence, wondering as our Lord lay DEAD in the tomb. The immortal, eternal one, gone for a moment. I think about all those who followed and loved Jesus while he was on Earth and what they must have been going through between Friday and Sunday. “Was it all a lie? I thought he was the Messiah, but now he is dead?” Even with the Old Testament scriptures to testify that this had to happen, it must have been so painful and confusing to live through. But, he was the perfect one, dead in our place, to conquer all that could kill us.

Easter Sunday: Mark 16.1-8

Lord, you have risen! Hallelujah! Death cannot hold you. And you say that same resurrection power is at work in us (Ephesians 1.19-20)—so death cannot hold us! You are victorious over death and you carry us with you into new life!

The resurrection is the Best News! All the “deaths” in our lives, literal and figurative, have been overcome. They are not the final word. Jesus has the power to conquer all death, everything that says “no” and causes destruction. Jesus brings LIFE, more powerful than death. He works that power within us.

And what does it mean on an everyday level for the poor? For one, while it does not promise a specific moment when things will get better or needs will be met, it does guarantee that the One who has All the power to bring new life is with us, loves us, cares about our situation, and acts on our behalf. He is the authority above all authorities. He is the promise that, despite appearances, we are not forgotten. I don’t know why some situations don’t change and some continue to suffer and some needs go seemingly unmet. But I know that God is TRUE, He is alive, He is above all and He is with us. His presence strengthens us.

It is inconsequential, His compassion, if we don’t know or care who He is. But when the eyes of our heat are opened, we see that as the Richest of Riches anyone could have. We see that it means our reality now is impacted, in the hands of a Good God. If we trust our circumstances, it is no wonder we doubt. But on a Good Friday or Saturday, we must hold onto His promise. And when Easter comes, we have not only His promises but Him SELF alive and victorious over death. If God gave us His son, will he not also give us everything with Him? He doesn’t say when, but he desires our hearts, our lives, not just our wanting and needs. He is Risen! That changes everything! (1 Corinthians 15)

And that reality of the Risen Jesus is ours every day, not just during Holy Week. Amen!

News from South Africa

2011-03-22T05:19:00.001-05:00

The Coming "Egyptian Moment" in South Africa

"As a South African, I wonder how South Africa's leadership might respond if it were to reach a similar tipping point with its disenfranchised youth -- where conservative estimates tell us that more than half of South Africans under the age of 25 are unemployed . I do believe it would be foolish for South African leaders to think that these unemployed and disconnected youth may not one day ignite a revolution...Because like Egypt, Tunisia, Libya and most of their neighboring countries that are weathering the revolutions of today, South Africa also has a massive army of disenchanted youth. South Africa is a young country considering that more than half of its population is under the age of 25, and with more than half of them unemployed -- the numbers are equivalent in size to the entire population of Zambia. And the chilling truth is that unemployment doesn't end at the age of 25. Based on current trends, it will go on to become a way of life, not only for their generation but also for following generations."

Nelson Mandela Launches Clothing Line to Help Promote South Africa

"Former South African president and Nobel Peace Prize winner Nelson Mandela is the last person you’d expect to be dabbling in fashion, but then again, he’s never been known for sticking to convention. Named after his inmate number at Robben Island Prison, 46664 Apparel is a new clothing venture focused on raising funds for the Nelson Mandela Foundation."

South Africa's test of nerves begins now--Update from the Cricket World Cup!
"The South Africans have the mettle but can they endure the pressure that awaits them in the knockout stages of this tournament? History shows that this team has a tendency to crumble in high-intensity situations."

More than 15,000 march for education in S. Africa
"South Africa, a country with one of the greatest disparities of wealth, still struggles to close the gap apartheid created between white and black schools. Only a third of third-graders in South Africa meet the minimum literacy and numeracy standards, according to national test results. Last year, a third of those taking final-year exams failed."

Why South Africa is so violent (not trying to make you nervous, Mom, just found this interesting!)
"Violent crime is deeply ingrained in the social fabric of the country and cannot simply be solved through the criminal justice system. This is according to a report on the violent nature of crime in South Africa which was made public in November."

South Africa Faces Growing H.I.V. Crisis
"South Africa, already home to 5.7 million H.I.V.-positive people, more than any other nation, can expect an additional five million to become infected during the next two decades even if the nation more than doubles its already considerable financing for treatment and prevention and gives prevention a higher priority, according to a report presented to the country’s leading advisory body on AIDS policy."

what it's like

2011-02-17T04:58:00.000-06:00

On Sunday I went with petunia to a child’s birthday party after church. Petunia’s neighbor Ellen had invited her, so petunia offered me the chance to come along. It didn’t matter that I didn’t know the birthday boy. We pull up to the party and, even though the music is still blaring, it’s almost as if everything freezes. I know it’s because a white person (me) just got out of the car because everyone is staring at me, especially the little kids. I try not to mind too much, and hug Ellen as she offers me a seat. Then comes time for birthday cake. At this party, the purpose of the cake was just as much to serve as a centerpiece for pictures as it was for eating. I was hanging back while the kids gathered around but suddenly Ellen, petunia’s neighbor, pulls me in and says “Emily, they want you in the picture!” talk about jumping in the game without knowing the rules! I had arrived not 10 minutes earlier and I hadn’t even met the two hostesses of the party. Yet, they wanted me in the picture with them, the cake, and the birthday kids. So I obliged. When a random guy came up and said he wanted a picture with me, that’s where I drew the line. After this, I asked petunia “so, am I like a party clown? Some kind of entertainment?” she said “no, it’s just an honor to them for you to be at their party.” Imagine that, all because of the color of my skin. About an hour later, before we left the party, I made sure to actually introduce myself to these ladies, so that when they got the pictures and showed their friends, I wouldn’t just be a nameless “lekoa.”

Now, I realize of course, that my presence is not automatically seen as an honor to everyone. Race is a topic here loaded with generations of painful baggage. So part of my experience has been similar to that in Oakland or New Orleans, where I am aware of my difference because everyone else points it out. But it’s also very different just because of the racial history of this place. This place is sprawling, with about 1 million people living within Soshanguve township. Still not sure of the physical size of the place, but definitely smaller in area than New Orleans. And all of the people are black African. This is just not a place that you would be passing through to get somewhere else, so to see a white person not only walking around but living in a township is quite radical. As much as I’d like to assimilate and be “normal” that may never be possible because of the context I’m entering into. In fact, last week when I went into town, I was taken aback that people weren’t looking at me funny in the mall. Like, it didn’t surprise me to see other white people as much as it surprised me that I was suddenly right in the mix again.

Let me try to describe this place in a way you can picture…. In many ways, the neighborhoods of Sosh look and feel like a typical inner-city…..but we’re located 30 miles outside of the nearest city. The main roads, either two lanes or four, are paved, but the side residential roads are dirt. Lots of people walk, though there are not always sidewalks. Most of the women walking have a child wrapped by a towel on their backs. (Side note: I am amazed by this….it seems no matter the size of the woman or the child the towel still fits & wraps around perfectly! Must be a secret trick I have yet to learn) Occasionally the women are carrying things on their heads—piles of sticks, a shopping bag of groceries, etc. Another secret talent! Lots of people also take mini-bus taxis, which operate on a hand-sign system to indicate what direction you are going in. the taxi ride may take 5 minutes or 45 minutes, depending on how full it is, how many other passengers are picked up, if the taxi needs gas, if the driver feels like driving fast or slow, etc. Occasionally I have seen goats sharing the road with people. Today there was a herd of cows crossing. most people live in brick & cement houses of varying shape & size. There are still plenty of tin shacks, but the government is doing its darndest to build four-room brick houses to replace the remaining sheds. I heard someone say that that building process is moving particularly speedy right now because elections are coming up! A lot of those tin shacks have really nice wrought-iron gates in front of them. One of my challenges is not to judge how people spend their money. There are several shopping centers, gas stations, and plenty of informal business along the roads. It seems like each shopping center has at least 5 furniture stores—this I can’t quite understand. This is one of the paradoxes of South Africa—it is certainly seen as a modern, developed country by the rest of the world, but the disparirty between rich and poor is growing each day. There are people in Sosh without electricity and running water, so you can imagine what it’s like in the really rural areas. Oh yeah, KFC is super popular here, though the only McDonald’s I’ve seen are in Pretoria.

I have been told, and I’ve seen, that people here operate on a system of “abundant time.” Many times I have heard “In south Africa, there is no rush.” If someone says they will do something for you or pick you up, that could mean anytime between right now and 5 hours from now. Or maybe tomorrow. Or maybe next month. The mindset is that we have all the time in the world, so eventually it will happen. This is a particular challenge for me, especially remembering not to expect things to happen right away, even when the person says they will do it “now.” Perhaps this is one of the reasons God had me living in New Orleans, before South Africa?? J

ready or not!

2011-01-19T11:21:00.000-06:00

today is the day...i board a plane for london, and in three days i board a plane for south africa! it's crazy to think about, especially knowing how long i've been wanting to get back there. i can't believe how quickly the time has flown by. i have mixed emotions because as excited as i am about this next step, i'm equally sad about leaving behind all my dear friends and family. but God has shown Himself faithful, so i have no doubt He will continue to do so!

one of the questions i've heard lately is "are you ready?" and.....hhhmmm.....i don't know! i mean, at this point, plans are in motion, things are happening, so i guess that means i'm "ready" right? pondering this question and all its implications reminds me of this quote i read recently in A Chance To Die , the biography of Amy Carmichael, missionary in India in the late 19th century.

“Looking back after fifty years Amy declared that she was ‘no more fit to be a Keswick missionary than a Skye terrier puppy.’ That estimate never caused her to question the validity of the call—or, we may assume, the judgment of the One who issued it.”

i feel like that often—i certainly don’t try to fool myself with thinking that i am actually qualified for the calling of God. yes, i can see how He has made me for certain tasks and environments, perhaps, and i do not doubt that He will continue to equip me for that which he calls me, but i like the image Amy conjures up here. we don’t go because we are qualified—we go because we are called. what’s more, our feeling of being qualified may not ever catch up with all that God has done in and through us.

* * * *

next time you hear from me, Lord willing, i'll be checking in from the other side of the atlantic!

Book Corner: The Prodigal God by Tim Keller

2010-12-30T12:49:00.001-06:00

I’ll start by saying I really liked this book. I guess I was predisposed to liking it because I had heard about it and looked forward to finally reading it. But it did not disappoint. Tim Keller unpacks the familiar story of the prodigal son (Luke 15) and applies it to the whole story of the Gospel. He really breaks it down so that each chapter of the book looks at one particular aspect of the parable—from the audience listening to Jesus, to each character in the story, to the larger lessons we can learn about our own hearts.

He started with a definition of prodigal, which was important because if the common understanding of the “prodigal son” label implies someone irresponsible and selfish then it is somewhat alarming to couple that term with God, as in the title of the book. But, Keller provides some insight in the books’ introduction:

“The word ‘prodigal’ does not mean ‘wayward’ but, according to Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate

Dictionary, ‘recklessly spendthrift.’ It means to spend until you have nothing left. This term is therefore

as appropriate for describing the father in the story as his younger son. The father’s welcome to the

repentant son was literally reckless, because he refused to ‘reckon’ or count his sin against him or demand

repayment…prod-i-gal: recklessly extravagant; having spent everything. “

As Keller extrapolates, that word can have different connotations, depending on whose “everything” was spent, and the longer-term consequences.

I also liked how Keller broke the story down not just as an exposition about the younger son in the parable, but rightly points to Christ’s teaching of this story about two sons. The story is as much about the older son as it is about the younger. I have heard some teachings in the past which included a look at both brothers, and since I most relate to the legalistic tendencies of the older, I appreciated the full treatment that Keller gives.

Now for a smattering of some particularly good & convicting passages from the book...

Both Wrong; Both Loved (pp 44-47)

Jesus does not divide the world into the moral “good guys” and the immoral “bad guys.” He shows us that everyone is dedicated to a project of self-salvation, to using God and others in order to get power and control for themselves. We are just going about it in different ways. Even though both sons are wrong, however, the father cares for them and invites them both back into his love and feast.

This means that Jesus’ message, which is “the gospel,” is a completely different spirituality. The gospel of Jesus is not religion or irreligion, morality or immorality, moralism or relativism, conservatism or liberalism. Nor is it something halfway along a spectrum between two poles—it is something else altogether.

The gospel is distinct from the other two approaches: In its view, everyone is wrong, everyone is loved, and everyone is called to recognize this and change. By contrast, elder brothers divide the world in two: “The good people (like us) are in and the bad people, who are the real problem with the world, are out.” Younger brothers, even if they don’t believe in God at all, do the same thing, saying: “No, the open-minded and tolerant people are in and the bigoted, narrow-mined people, who are the real problem with the world, are out.”

But Jesus says: “The humble are in and the proud are out” (see Luke 18:14 & Luke 5:32). The people who confess they aren’t particularly good or open-minded are moving toward God, because the prerequisite for receiving the grace of God is to know you need it. The people who think they are just fine, thank you, are moving away from God. “The Lord…cares for the humble, but he keeps his distance from the proud” (Psalm 138:6)…

Although the sons are both wrong and both loved, the story does not end on the same note for each. Why does Jesus construct the story so that one of them is saved, restored to a right relationship with the father, and one of them is not? (At least, not before the story ends.) It may be that Jesus is trying to say that while both forms of the self-salvation project are equally wrong, each one is not equally dangerous. One of the ironies of the parable is now revealed. The younger son’s flight from the father was crashingly obvious. He left the father literally, physically, and morally. Though the older son stayed at home, he was actually more distant and alienated from the father than his brother, because he was blind to his true condition. He would have been horribly offended by the suggestion that he was rebelling against the father’s authority and love, but he was, deeply.

* * *

“We habitually and instinctively look to other things besides God and his grace as our justification, hope, significance, and security. We believe the gospel at one level, but at deeper levels we do not. Human approval, professional success, power and influence, family and clan identity—all of these things serve as our heart’s ‘functional trust’ rather than what Christ has done, and as a result we continue to be driven to a great degree by fear, anger, and a lack of self-control. You cannot change such things through mere willpower, through learning Biblical principles and trying to carry them out. We can only change permanently as we take the gospel more deeply into our understanding and into our hearts. We must feed on the gospel, as it were, digesting it and making it part of ourselves. That is how we grow." (p.115)

“The elder brother’s problem is his self-righteousness, the way he uses his moral record to put God and others in his debt to control them and get them to do what he wants. His spiritual problem is the radical insecurity that comes from basing his self-image on achievements and performance, so he must endlessly prop up his sense of righteousness by putting others down and finding fault…To find God we must repent of the things we have done wrong, but if that is all you do, you may remain just an elder brother. To truly become Christians we must also repent of the reasons we ever did anything right. Pharisees only repent of their sins, but Christians repent for the very roots of their (self-) righteousness, too. We must learn how to repent of the sin under all our other sins and under all our “righteousness” —the sin of seeking to be our own Savior and Lord.” (pp 77-78)

“How can the inner workings of the heart be changed from a dynamic fear and anger to that of love, joy, and gratitude? Here is how. You need to be moved by the sight of what it cost to bring you home… You need to see how GREAT is our outstanding debt and distance from God and how GREAT is Christ’s willingness and action to make it right. ” (pp 85-86)

“Jesus Christ, who had all the power in the world, saw us enslaved by the very things we thought would free us. So he emptied himself of his glory and became a servant (Philippians 2). He laid aside the infinities and immensities of his being and, at the cost of his life, paid the debt for our sins, purchasing us the only place our hearts can rest, in his Father’s house.” (p 87)

“If the Lord of the universe loves us enough to experience this for us, what are we afraid of?”

“…the Cross proves God’s care for you and gives you all the security you need.”

“…all change comes from deepening your understanding of the salvation of Christ and living out of the changes that understanding creates in your heart. Faith in the gospel restructures our motivations, our self-understanding, our identity, and our view of the world. Behavioral compliance to rules without heart-change will be superficial and fleeting.”

I highly recommend The Prodigal God by Tim Keller. On the surface it's an easy read, but without rushing to get through it, we can come out with some real heart change.

All excerpts taken from Keller, Timothy. The Prodigal God. New York: Dutton, 2008

the Christmas stairway

2010-12-18T10:49:00.001-06:00

in church this advent season, we have been going through a series called "Christmas in Genesis." it has been really neat to see illustrations and foreshadowing of the Christmas story in the first book of the bible. it's not normally the place that one might turn to remember the story of baby Jesus, but he's in there, if we have the eyes to see!

last week we looked at the story of Jacob & the stairway to heaven. commonly referred to as Jacob's ladder, the pastor first reminded us that the image is not actually a ladder, but some stairs. that distinction is important, because as a ladder, we think it represents how we must struggle and climb our way up to God in some unreachable place. but in fact, Jacob's vision is one of movement both up and down the stairs. he sees angels ascending all the way up to heaven, and angels also descending the stairs to earth. this is a picture of God's work--the angels are the messengers of God's love and plans and as they are directed by God, they come to earth to act and as they finish their task, they head back up to heaven.

but, the angels are not the only ones occupying these stairs. from heaven, God speaks to Jacob and says: I am with you. I will watch over you and protect you. I will not leave you until I have done what I promised to you. when Jacob woke from his sleep, he knew that surely God was with him.

as the pastor was delivering his sermon, i was thinking about one of my first experiences reading about Jacob, several years ago. i remembered when i first read through Genesis and i got really hung up on this guy. the story of him & his stairway vision comes immediately after he has stolen his brother's birthright and fled to avoid his father's punishment. he is a deceitful trickster and i could not wrap my head around why in the world God would give him such significant blessing (not only here, but also when God wrestles with him and renames him Israel.) can't God see how bad and undeserving Jacob is, i thought? what is going on here???

and what i didn't know then was GRACE. i didn't see then how Jacob's mischief and hardness of heart is a picture of mine and the very same promises God makes to Jacob can actually be mine too. how? only by God's outrageous grace and redemption. the thing that upset me about Jacob was that i felt that he represented the world of "bad people" and, knowing i represented the world of "good people," i worried about this upside-down-nature of what God was doing. is He rewarding sin? but no! it's by his mercy and kindness that we are led to repentance. He chooses the foolish things of the world, the things we would cast-off and discount, as the vessels for his power and glory.

God delights in lavishing his grace and mercy on those who don't deserve it.....which is all of us! He loves making his riches known in situations where human wisdom can't find a way out. my gut-reaction to Jacob is not all wrong--he is in fact a bad guy. i held him at arm's length because i could not fathom a God doing good for bad people. but, that is the crux of God's heart! that is the moral of the whole story, the key to humility and transformation. we need to see Jacob's sin, and our own, to understand how unbelievable it is that God would come to rescue us. will we have the eyes to see our family resemblance to Jacob?

in Jacob's vision, God was still up in heaven, speaking down to him. but at Christmas, we see the full completion of this story. when Jesus calls several of his disciples, He amazes them by knowing things about them they didn't tell him directly. He assures them that that is not the most amazing thing they will see him do. He then added, "Very truly I tell you, you will see 'heaven open, and the angels of God ascending and descending on' the Son of Man." (John 1:43-51) do you see the fulfillment of Jacob's vision? Jesus says that He himself IS the very stairway upon which angels go up and down, the stairway that connects heaven to earth, at the top of which is God looking down with love and grace on his people. Jesus is the incarnation of that grace and mercy God spoke to Jacob in his vision. Jesus is God with us, keeping his promises to lead and protect us. it is a sort of an odd image to picture Jesus as a stairway, but that's what He's saying--He is the very connection between man and God. and Christmas is the time when God made that definitive act of grace, coming to Earth in the form of his son, to be with us, to save us Jacobs from our sin and deliver us from God's just wrath. the real gift of Christmas is God giving himself to liars and tricksters and sinners like Jacob and you and me!

God does not give us a ladder, which we must climb by our own efforts to reach him. He gives us a stairway, and He descends to rescue us. may this Christmas be a time we remember and celebrate God's radical love.

complain much? you're in good company.

2010-12-13T16:37:00.001-06:00

so i'm reading through exodus. God has just dazzled pharaoh and the egyptians, not to mention his own people, with plagues of increasing intensity, eventually securing the release of the hebrews from slavery in egypt. if that weren't enough, he led them by pillars of cloud and fire through the wilderness, promising to bring them to a new land. only one thing stood in their way--that pesky little red sea. so, He did what He had to do: split the sea and led His people through on dry land. as the egyptians pursued, the walls of water crashed in on them, drowning the enemies for good. Moses & his sister Miriam respond by leading the people in great songs of adoration and praise for God's mighty act of salvation.

and what happens next? the israelites start to complain. that's right, they complain! can you imagine? they even tell Moses that they should have been left alone to die in Egypt--at least there they had food and drink.

as i read and reflect on this passage, i see my heart going in two directions.
first, i cannot believe or understand why the israelites would complain. don't they see God's desire and active will to save them? don't they see His ongoing mercy? don't they realize that the very same God who parted the seas and freed them from centuries-long slavery would certainly give them what they needed to survive? did they really think God had led them through all that just to abandon them in the wilderness?

and then, that quiet but persistent reminder in my heart tells me that i am not that different from the complaining israelites. was this passage included in scripture for us to read and tout our superiority? no, i think it was included so that we could see our place among the israelites--not just in God's acts of favor, but also in short-sightedness and forgetfulness. sure it would be easy to tell myself that i, unlike the israelites, always remember God's faithfulness and never doubt it will come again. easy, maybe. but completely honest? not so much. my complaints might not sound exactly like theirs, and they may not come right on the heels of miraculous sea-parting, but surely they come. and not only do i have the record of the sea-parting to remind me of God's might and power, but also the whole rest of history...not to mention the miracles and provision i have seen from God in my own life. what right do i have to complain? why do i so often forget?

the other place my mind goes when thinking about my complaining brethren is to an assumption of God's response. considering my instinctive reaction to the israelites' complaints, i want to run with that exasperation and say "fine, you don't see all that God is doing? then you don't get anything else good!" but what does God say? "I am going to rain bread from heaven for you, and each day the people shall go out and gather enough for that day." (Exodus 16)

we have probably all experienced ungrateful people, often exaggerated by our estimation of whether or not that other person's ungratefulness is justified or not. the last thing i want to do for someone who is ungrateful, particularly following an especially sacrificial thing that i may have done for them, is do more. the last thing i want to feel is even more unappreciated. but thankfully, God's heart is much richer in grace and mercy than mine!! what does God do when he hears the complaints of his people? he gives more, he gives what they need. and therein is the other lesson for me--not only do i get a reflection of my heart's own faithless tendency to complain and doubt, but also a stunning picture of the mercy and compassion that our Father gives to unrighteous complainers like us. hold out love and blessing until they realize what fools they've become and come crawling back to apologize? no! surely this does not give us a picture of a push-over God--he can do what He wants to do. yes, He could have withheld blessing to teach the israelites a lesson in keeping their complaints to themselves. but here we see that He does what He really wants to do--provide for His people, even in the midst of their doubt and foolishness and forgetfulness of His good and always-sufficient nearness.

how can i respond like this? i pray for my instincts to change, to be able to respond with mercy & compassion when my nature often compels me to turn away from those in need or shake them until they realize how blessed they already are. how can i learn to complain less and find contentment more? i pray for my heart to hold on to the abundance of God's grace, and all the ways i've seen that, instead of clinging desperately to the cultural messages of scarcity and greed.

particularly in this season of all-consuming materialism, let us humbly learn from our israelite ancestors and rejoice in God's abundant provision and love, which never forgets or abandons us.

The Heart of the Golden Rule

2010-11-26T20:56:00.000-06:00

The Grace of God in our Circumstances: Why you weren't Born as an Impoverished Child in an Unreached Nation

Why was I born into such privilege when most of the world wasn't?

How am I using what I was born into to do unto others what I would have them do unto me?

How can I translate that into thanksgiving?

Good questions to ponder...and then to act upon!

like a dagger to my heart, the Truth

2010-11-06T15:51:00.000-05:00

whenever i finally sit down and catch up on the hordes of blog subscriptions that i generally neglect for months at a time, i inevitably end up with several that just really hit me in a deep, good way. so, as a way of reminding myself and sharing with you, i've re-posted them here. (Click on the title of the first two articles for full text.)

The Costume Kingdom (Paul Tripp)

Love Warns, Love Rebukes (Paul Tripp)

Prayer Answered by Crosses (John Newton)

I asked the Lord that I might grow

In faith and love and every grace,

Might more of his salvation know,

And seek more earnestly his face.

‘Twas he who taught me thus to pray;

And he, I trust, has answered prayer;

But it has been in such a way

As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that, in some favoured hour,

At once he’d answer my request,

And by his love’s constraining power

Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this, he made me feel

The hidden evils of my heart,

And let the angry powers of hell

Assault my soul in every part.

Yea, more, with his own hand he seemed

Intent to aggravate my woe,

Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,

Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

Lord, why is this? I trembling cried;

Wilt thou pursue this worm to death?

This is the way, the Lord replied

I answer prayer for grace and faith.

These inward trials I now employ

From self and pride to set thee free,

And break thy schemes of earthly joy,

That thou may’st seek thy all in me.

friends, let us not choose comfort over truth.

other peoples' thoughts

2010-11-04T22:26:00.003-05:00

wanted to share a few articles that i have read lately that have stuck with me...

Community Catalysts
this is actually a really good follow up to my last post, and a good reminder that being distinctive and different in a neighborhood can be good! while there are serious issues of difference that incarnational re-locators must wrestle with, blending in completely is not necessarily effective for joining in the work of the Kingdom.

"Humility is a critical element for incarnational communities of people who have relocated and the inclusion of people from the wider community into the community of relocators can be important. But the thing that makes communities catalytic is not that they become the same as the surrounding community, but that they remain distinctive.

A catalyst changes things, not because it is identical to the other elements in a reaction, but precisely because it is different. In fact a very small amount of catalyst can dramatically promote or inhibit a reaction. The presence of a catalyst changes an environment.

These communities often live prophetically - becoming the change needed in an area, but they rarely really look much like the community in which they are planted.

For sure our ethnic, class, and power differences need to be viewed with a healthy dose of caution. We must be vigilant in addressing the messianic complex which can accompany groups who choose a life of incarnational mission. We must live lives of reconciliation in every place humans have put up walls. But I can no longer dismiss a community automatically just because it doesn’t look just like the neighborhood in which it lives. In the presence of humility, reconciliation, grace and peace – differences can be catalytic."

South African "Idol"
a little peek into cultural goings-on in South Africa and a reminder that race is (still) a (big) issue there, 16 years after the official end of apartheid. and oh yeah, the white guy won.

"The real issue is socio-economic. It's about who can pay for TV and who can't. Black folks comprise almost 80% of our population, but in M-Netland they comprise only 17% of Idols viewers. And audiences want to see themselves on TV."

The dangerous side of volunteering
another interesting peek into some of the issues that I will probably face when I get to South Africa. the ironic thing about this piece is that these potential harms of short-term volunteering exist everywhere, whether the volunteers come from america or zambia, and are serving in new orleans or the netherlands. having committed to living in places of need, i have seen first-hand the effects of well-intentioned people who send a message by forming deep bonds and then leaving soon after. i have experienced the effects of abandonment with children who don't understand why everyone who says they care keeps leaving. this was even something i wrestled with upon my leaving new orleans--is this how my friends there would see me? and now to see it in light of where i'm going, i have to keep it at the front of my mind when i think about whether i'm serving for my own benefit, or for the good of others.

"The psychological literature talks about attachment theory — very young children are programmed to build attachments… And so, you've got these sort of repeated abandonments — first with young children whose parents may die of AIDS. And then they go to live in an orphanage where you often have high staff turnover. And then you've got tourists that are coming as sort of the third wave of this abandonment. Children are left behind to remember a series of these foreigners who come in and then leave them there…"

why i love psychology
i found this so fascinating because it is such a true picture of the human mind, and the way we justify things--mostly our own behavior. i know this is true of myself, so to see it verified and studied is very reassuring. it confirms that i'm not alone in the way i'd like to manipulate my own memory, or self-perception. we really would like to believe that if we've ever been bad, at least that was in the past, our "old selves;" we are constantly improving and our "good deeds" more readily fill recent history. our good-ness is closer to who we are today, so we tell ourselves. this research confirms, though, that no, actually, we're not as good as we'd like to convince others...or ourselves. but, there's hope, as the scientists point out that our minds often tend to create future selves even better than we are now, demonstrating an appetite for redemption.

“Now, scientists are beginning to learn how memory assists and even amplifies this righteous self-messaging. In piecing together a life story, the mind nudges moral lapses back in time and shunts good deeds forward, these new studies suggest — creating, in effect, a doctored autobiography. Recognizing this tendency in oneself, psychologists say, can both reduce the risk of lapsing into middle-aged sanctimony and increase moral vigilance for when it matters most: the present.

‘The main finding is that if I ask you to tell me about a positive moral memory, you’ll tell me something recent,’ Dr. Escobedo said. ‘If I ask you to tell me about bad moral memory, you’re going to give me something from much further in the past.’

Future selves may score the best reviews of all, said David Dunning, a social psychologist at Cornell. ‘People seem to situate themselves in time differently than they do others,’ Dr. Dunning wrote in an e-mail. ‘Ask students what’s important for gaining an accurate impression of them and they emphasize more their unwritten future potential than they do when asked the same question about another person. We presume that future potential is more rosy than the past is.’"

"Radical Friendship"

2010-10-26T17:02:00.000-05:00

Excerpts taken from a piece written by Rev. Dr. Donna Jones of Cookman United Methodist Church in Philadelphia, as printed in the Spring 2010 edition of Conspire Magazine.

   I used to know how to preach to my church during Black History Month. We'd dress in our finest garb and process to the beats of DNA-memory in our bones, singing the songs that have brought us through. It was the one time a year to celebrate being black; to remember ancestors gone by and saints still present...These services were cultural icons for me.
   Or at least they used to be. That was before my church's pilgrimage from 100 percent African American, to now 70 percent African American and 30 percent other (white, asian, bi-racial). I can no longer assume any shared gut-DNA. Even my sermon themes are different.
   Take a few weeks ago. I was preaching reconciliation, trying to make the experience of the church at Corinth--the struggles to build gospel koinonia across ethnic, class, and religious lines--real to my congregation. "What do you feel when folks of different races and classes move into this neighborhood?" I asked, almost innocently. "Do they become friends?"
   Pain in the room, but honesty, too. "No."
   "Why not?"
   "Because they have come to 'help.'"
   The response of our African-American congregants was visceral. It speaks powerfully of the inequality of social relationships between groups in this nation.

   Whether real or perceived, we don't feel like equals. There's long history in some of our bones of being viewed as lower-status, incapable persons whose needs are met by getting something from higher-status persons. There's a long history in some of our bones of feeling privileged, and needing to assuage that karmic good fortune by sharing resources (money, education, energy, and even ourselves) with the "underprivileged."
   Theologians and activists Ched Myers and Elaine Enns suggest that in his two letters to the Corinthians, Paul advocates "patronage from below"--upside-down relationships where power, prestige, and privilege are turned around to create space for "social solidarity." Corinthians is our book of radical desegregation and reconciliation.
   Social solidarity is relationship, and relationship is radical. It is very different from reverse patronage, which is what I call the dynamic when racially-aware and well-meaning pilgrims of privilege try to balance power by staying in the background, avoiding leadership, and consciously or subconsciously withholding resources. Reverse patronage is usually at work when folks of privilege move in to serve or live in a low-income neighborhood, bringing their wealth and social resources to an area devoid of them. It's behind emails and Facebook postings in which those well-meaning folk tell stories of how much more they have received (from the apparently lower-status crew) in response to their offering. In exchange, they receive character gains to their account: love, instruction in some of the realities of poverty, the coolness of slumming it, and admiration from their community.
   I sometimes hear well-intentioned, privileged parents admonish children who are embarking on a mission trip to "elsewhere" (some urban, rural, or foreign working or poor community): "You will get so much more out of the experience than you give." I cringe. We are caught in the terms of barter, and my people are again at the bottom of the equation: still giving more.

   Simply sharing neighborhoods with one another doesn't work to create the radical beloved community articulated by Martin Luther King, Jr. and enfleshed by Jesus.  And simply inviting diverse folk to the meetings, the demos, and the campaigns certainly doesn't work. We need another way.
   I believe what works is true friendship--a friendship that comes from empathetic relationship-building over time. Friendship allows for empathy instead of sympathy.
   ...My elders believed that removing the legal U.S. apartheid system would fling wide the door of hospitality and friendship, casting out the fears fueled by prejudice and replacing them with respect, affirmations of capability, and shared creativity. Forty years later, it hasn't yet worked out that way. U.S. citizens remain separate and unequal by race in all quality-of-life indicators (health, education, housing, jobs, economic development, literacy.) What is a vision that will now move us toward healing?
   Downwardly-mobile pilgrims of privilege who relocate to marginalized neighborhoods certainly model relocation strategy that moves us past our centuries of legally enforced desegregation. However, when relationship-building does not occur at a level strong enough to desegregate friendships, we remain segregated.
   Our community's experience of relocators is that they usually reside for a season, and typically maintain their original support systems from afar. Eventually, personal variables--or plain old "movement frustration"--cause them to leave the neighborhood for more familiar or homogeneous urban, suburban, or rural surroundings. This "move on" syndrome points to the inescapable power difference between these pilgrim residents and those rooted to the neighborhood. Those who come in have the economic, relational, and social capital to leave when they choose.

   We need to build reciprocal relationships while remaining conscious of power dynamics.  Empowerment issues are real, but when one group holds back in order to ensure balance of power, benefits (in relationship, resources, wisdom, and strategy) are lost on all sides. We must all give one hundred percent, and we must offer that from friendship and relationship. Friendship is reciprocal. Friendship is meaningful, faithful, and artful. Friendship is challenging. Friendship is loving. Friends make mistakes, but speaking the truth in love, friends forgive, heal, and make mistakes again. We must forge ahead with the social mess of friend-ness.
   Ultimately, we will have to learn to gather as friends, as neighbors. We must join organizations not to integrate them (and certainly not to "help" them), but rather because we share their goals. We'll have to hang out. Go to the parties. Attend the weddings and stay for the reception...
   Church is a great place to become friends. It offers a unique social environment, rooted and grounded in love, for the purpose of creating family beyond birth-ties. What could happen if Christian communities truly, radically desegregated? Miracles.
   This is difficult, and it will cost us. Institutional ethnic churches exist for an important socio-political purpose. They have been places of refuge where we could experience solidarity in our DNA memories, or wrestle with the oppression of systems without having to explain our pain...
   But I think the gain will be worth it. The last few decades have seen radical disciples moving into marginalized neighborhoods as part of a very necessary and helpful pilgrim journey towards liberation from oppression. Going forward, our challenge will be to move toward intimacy and rootedness in those neighborhoods. This is a road less travelled, and its pilgrims will experience joy, challenge, pain, misunderstanding, conflict, alienation, recovery, triumph. We can trace the beginning of that story in letters to the Corinthians, but I think it will end in Beloved Community.

_______________________________

   When I first read this piece several months ago, so many things in my heart rang in agreement with what Rev. Jones wrote. There is so much that I have pursued in my life that mirrors her call to the Church, but I have also been the one excitedly proclaiming how much more I received than I gave while living and serving in marginalized communities. I have taken advantage of the subtle power dynamics at play. And none of this was intended as harm, but seeing my self reflected in these words was eye-opening.
   I had an experience during my time in Oakland which made me wonder if my neighbors would ever really truly see me as one of "them." Despite appearances and some obvious differences, I really wanted to blend in and become a part of the community. I didn't want to stick out, I didn't want my differences to send a message of superiority. I have seen that while this desire to blend may have been coming from a good place, there is a difference between trying live as poor versus living among the poor. The interwebs tells me that "among" is defined as being surrounded by or in the company of, or being a member of a larger set. And that is what I desire. Of course, to authentically live among any group of people different from one's natural environment, one must take certain efforts to sacrifice or blend to some degree. But the point is not to deny everything I am to become something that my neighbors know I'm really not; the point is to dive in and immerse in a different kind of life in order to be counted as a friend with those who are different from me.
   As I look forward to moving into Soshanguve, I must remember the Rev. Jones's points about friendship in order to keep my inclination towards power in check. I know there will be very little opportunity for me to "blend in" with my neighbors, and in fact any attempts to do so will probably stand out even more. But, I am hopeful for chances to become friends, to be given the gift of invitation into another person's life. Not because I have the answers, or because my worth is in helpfulness or access to resources; but because in friendship I can reflect Christ's heart for each one of us...that we would be drawn together, and to Him, in love and humility.

sometimes prayers have more than one answer

2010-09-15T11:27:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to St. Roch Community Church

August 29, 2010

About 5 1/2 years ago, I didn't know what church was really meant for. I was attending a mega-church about 30 miles from where I lived. Honestly, I enjoyed the anonymity of worshiping with 2,000 other people. No one knew my name, or my junk. In January 2005, a woman who I had just met prayed for me and put into words what I didn't know I was missing--church as a family, an intimate body, a group of people who know & care about you. That prayer was a sign of God doing something and leading me on a course that is still going to this day.

Soon after that, I stopped attending the mega-church and found a cool little church-plant in Chicago that was all about racial reconciliation and other Kingdom-oriented things. The people were nice and I thought my prayer had been answered.

Then I moved to Oakland for Mission Year and my team was assigned to work & worship with a traditional style Missionary Baptist church in the 'hood. My four white teammates and I stuck out like a bunch of sore thumbs, but that church welcomed & loved us as if we had been there our whole lives. A year later when we were leaving Oakland, I remember tearing up and thanking that congregation for really showing me what church could be--a family, a home filled with love. I thought my prayer was answered.

Then I moved to New Orleans and didn't know what to expect. Some of my first friends recommended a presbyterian church uptown. This was like the polar opposite cultural experience from Oakland, but this body was equally as warm and inviting--and I don't think it's just because I was in the city as a volunteer. This intimate congregation was a real family and people genuinely cared about each other. Wow, I thought, God is really answering this prayer in even more unexpected ways!

At the same time, I began hearing the murmurings of a dream, a vision to plant a new church on the other side of town, a church that would serve & preach the gospel in word and action, intentionally loving neighbors who looked different from each other, in order to restore dignity & leadership to transform the community. Little did I know how it would look 4 years later!

St. Roch Community Church has become my community and my family. I am proud to claim and identify myself with this group of people. I am known here, junk and all, and still loved! There were many days when I was frustrated with the work or didn't understand why certain things happened, and I was always and constantly challenged, encouraged, and pushed to see beyond myself. God is indeed doing something, indeed building this church. He has allowed his spirit to fill this body with Truth and grace, love and compassion. I feel I have learned so much more than I could have taught. This church is a living example of God's abundant grace & mercy. There is a real authenticity to the depths of relationship and love here--it's a love that sees & speaks Truth, builds up and does not pursue its own agenda.

The friendships I have here, this body, defies odds & stereotypes and really is like a breeze from heaven. I shared at Thanksgiving that this type of thing doesn't just happen everyday. Look around and remember that God has something special going on here. If those other churches along the way had been God's only answer to my prayer, that would have been enough. But how do I express my gratefulness for what He has done here, in me? It is truly a gift to call you my family, my home; God's goodness is all over this place.

It is bittersweet for me to know I must leave my family here. But I know God's work will continue. There will surely be tests & trials ahead but I believe that God will not abandon this work that He has begun. This church is a part of me and I know I leave some of my heart here. It is with joy and hope and eager anticipation that I will continue to pray for God to use this body to touch lives, neighborhoods, this city, and beyond. I feel great joy & humility & honor to be sent out on behalf of St. Roch Community Church, and to see God's Kingdom continue to advance! I love y'all!!!

with Love,

emily

reflections on leaving New Orleans...

2010-09-12T17:47:00.000-05:00

i have been a jumble of emotions since about mid-August as my new-orleans-departure date drew ever nearer. this beautiful post from a new friend, who is also leaving her current home to join InnerCHANGE, and embrace the unknown, inspired me to share my thoughts on moving and transitions. on my mind is this song, also appropriate for leaving a place that has my heart.

Abiding City by Sandra McCracken
Oh sweet home of love and peace
where pilgrims tired and troubled rest
into the hope of Zion we
will in Jesus' arms we will fall at last

Addictions, empty promises
This broken world just can't satisfy
A sweeter song redemption's bliss
Is sealed for us in paradise

Oh lift up your head
For the day is near
We have no abiding city here.

Spirit heal our neighborhood
Until your Kingdom work is done
Teach us what is just and good
As we look for the city that is yet to come

Oh lift up your head
For the day is near
We have no abiding city here.

City filled with golden light
God the builder & the architect
And when our faith has turned to sight
Oh I cannot imagine it!

Oh lift up your head
For the day is near
We have no abiding city here.

i was sharing with another friend a few days ago the seeming irony of all this timing. i lived in new orleans for exactly 4 years. for the first year, i hated it most days. well, really, it's a place that takes some getting used to...not to mention it was in full-on disaster-recovery mode then. it doesn't function the way most "normal" cities do, and that adds to its charm and character...i just didn't realize that at the time. God was teaching me to have grace for a place! after the first year, those periods of wanting to leave grew further apart, and my love for the city got stronger. the first time i learned about InnerCHANGE, in the summer of 2008, i was all set to jump in but had the sense that God was saying "not yet." and indeed, He did some amazing things in my life in new orleans after that. over time, God provided me with such a beautiful community that made it easy to call the place home. and when moving day came, i couldn't believe i would have ever wanted to leave. i had fought to love this place, to see what God was doing in and around me, and it felt like just when i was getting into my groove, He is calling me someplace else. i don't doubt for one second what He is doing in leading me to South Africa--i just wish i could bring all the people dear to my heart with me there....or just be in two places at once!!

all that to say that this song reminds me that as much as i love new orleans and the life i had there, and really as much as i may grow to love soshanguve, south africa and the life that God grows there, my home is not on any earthly map. even the best places to live don't compare to where we're headed and we are just making our way through this life as pilgrims en route to something grander and whole.

and 'til we reach that day, my prayers will continue to be "Spirit heal our neighborhoods, until your Kingdom work is done. Teach us what is just and good, as we look for the city that is yet to come"

2010-06-21T15:47:00.000-05:00

a few months ago i started working on a post titled "where did april go" but i suppose now i could make that "where did april, may, and half of june go?"

for those who are wondering, i am still sweatin' it out in the big easy. my proposed plan at this point is to be in new orleans until mid to late august, then head back up to chicago for several months. i hope to reach my funding goal by the end of september, and once full support has been coming in for two months, i can depart for south africa! i may do some traveling in the fall and will of course get to spend some quality time with the fam.

summer camp at st. roch just started, so i've been helping with that, and getting to spend time with people i love. quite a few friends have passed through new orleans on recent visits and it's always a treat to catch up with people who have scattered all over the country. i'm actually enjoying the support raising process and seeing God really provide in amazing ways! thank you to those who have already committed to support me and the InnerCHANGE team through prayer and financial giving!!

moving forward, i will definitely be keeping my blog updated, though i can't make any promises about the frequency. i'm hoping to use this space as more of an informal arena for my thoughts and reflections and send out more formal newsletters either through email or a paper mail/email combo. don't forget, you can subscribe to these blog posts (get them directly in your email) by entering your email address in the box to the left that says "subscribe via email" i love you all and am so thankful that you're with me in this journey!

on Mission Year

2010-05-09T17:08:00.000-05:00

over the past several months, as i have put together my thoughts and reflections on the journey that God has led me through, i have gained a new appreciation for each of the "stops" along the way. one of the most significant places that God has led me was to Oakland, California with an organization called Mission Year. Mission Year gives young adults an intensive urban ministry experience in order to help them learn to live lives dedicated to loving God and loving their neighbors. Mission Year has a clear sense of intentionality and purpose and some of the most amazing people in my life were a part of Mission year at one point. indeed, the values and vision that Mission Year helped to instill in me were very formative in my next life step of joining the InnerCHANGE team in South Africa.

i say all this to give you some perspective on the personal impact of this organization. sure, i helped tutor kids and cooked meals for neighbors and sang in the choir at the local church. but, for all the hard work that I put in each day, the biggest impact of Mission Year was on me! God has used and continues to use this organization (and the sweat & tears that have gone into making it) in remarkable ways in the hearts of those who willingly sign up to spend a year in the inner-cities of America. and i have no doubt that every alumni can say the same thing.

so why am i telling you all this about Mission Year? because, like everyone else, this organization is feeling the strain of the recession and is in need of support. please check out their website: www.missionyear.org , peruse the team member blogs, look into their philosophy of ministry, etc. i supported Mission Year today and i encourage you to do the same!

**to give to M.Y. online, please click here**

more like falling in love...

2010-03-24T09:21:00.000-05:00

this song has been in my head for the past month or so. and it has become a frequent prayer...God move my heart to fall in love with you more!!!

Give me rules
I will break them
Give me lines
I will cross them
I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet
It ought to be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh
It's like I'm falling in love

Give me words
I'll misuse them
Obligations
I'll misplace them
'Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free
It's gotta be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh
It's like I'm falling in love

...It's like I'm falling in love, love, love
Deeper and deeper
It was love that made
Me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh
It's like I'm falling in love

since we last spoke...

2010-03-11T14:47:00.114-06:00

as i mentioned in my last email update, i have made the decision to join the innerchange team in soshanguve for three years! the decision making process was not as quick and easy as i thought it would be, but i know this is where God is leading me. i felt like this direction was so clear and obvious before i left for my visit to the team but then i got there and there were no sparks, no instant clarity or parting of the clouds. after much prayer and thought, discussion and processing, i realized that it was indeed what God had been leading me to. i wondered why, though i had felt such a strong sense of God's leading before i visited, that same sense of clear direction was missing when i returned to the states. in a moment of worship, i got in my mind an image of a young child learning to ride a bike. the child rides, knowing and feeling the hand of her parent on the back of that bike. and, at some point, that parent lets go. the child must trust the steadiness that she felt when that hand was present and continue on riding. she cannot expect to only ever ride that bike with that hand always there. but the symbol of its closeness is enough to allow her to keep on pedaling.

so, three years? yes! basically, innerCHANGE realizes that the best thing for the apprentice, the team, and the community is people who are committed. in an international context, especially with language barriers, experience has shown that 1 year is only really a start to scratching the surface of real life among a team and community. some days when i think about 3 years, it feels like a long time (one/ninth of my life!) and other days, when i realize i've already lived in new orleans longer than that, it doesn't seem so long.

when am i leaving? after i have raised support!
no, but really, when is that? well....the next step in the process is an assessment with some other CRM and innerCHANGE staff members. that is scheduled for march 31. after that i can kick start the support raising process first thing on april 1. no april fool's joke there! i will need to have at least two months of full support coming in BEFORE i can depart for south africa. so my goal might be around august-ish, but it is hard to say at this point.

the rest of my time of travelling was good! from south africa, i flew to san francisco for the innerCHANGE orientation. there i made some new friends, learned more about innerchange, and got deeper into the values and culture of the innerCHANGE family. i also got to hang out with my wonderful aunt and good friends and mission year teammates heather and jessica!

then, on the tail end of a bad weather week in southern california (some people just can't handle their rain!!) i arrived in san diego. i got to see andrew and although we didnt make it to the black market bakery, we had a good time driving up through orange county and andrew dropped me off in anaheim for the CRM training. (not sure if i have mentioned this before, but CRM is the umbrella ministry organization which innerCHANGE is connected to) i enjoyed some lovey hospitality, and made some new friends there too. we enjoyed a lovely january day on the beach! our first part of training was a spiritual retreat to focus on the first thing of importance, our relationship with God! the rest of the time was really focused on support-raising training. it's kind of daunting to think about raising money, but i'm excited to see how God moves!

then, on the last leg of my trip, i made it back to chicago to see the fam! and also to see jessica get married! i had such a wonderful time, but it sure does get cold up there in the winter : )

then.....the SUPERBOWL!!!!!! who woulda thunk, when i planned this trip in november, that the saints would be in the superbowl???? i mean, they were having an amazing season, but really. come on. the saints? but oh yes, the saints! so, since i wasn't back with my new orleans family, my parents and i had our own new orleans style celebration in deerfield, complete with gumbo, bread pudding, and beads. and then, you know how it ends, THE SAINTS WON!!! WHOOOOO DDDAATTTTT!
oh man, if you're not from or weren't in new orleans on this most-apocalyptic day, you just cant understand. i mean, i wasn't there so i can't REALLY understand but i know it was just absolute craziness. but in the most beautiful way (so i've heard!)

i got back to new orleans in time for the big victory parade, which had an estimated 800,000 people in attendance. CRAZY! after that, i got swept up straight away in the craziness surrounding the saints victory, mardi gras parades, and re-connecting with friends after being away for so long. (i definitely believe that mardi gras is one of those things that everyone should experience at least once in life. most of it is nothing like the bourbon street debauchery that most people think of. just good, clean, fun. and lots of plastic beads!)

after alllll that, i'm finally getting back to the normal craziness of life. i'm working a bit and preparing for support raising. i'm excited to share some opportunities for you to join in what God is doing!

and now for the rest of my thoughts...

2010-01-12T21:33:00.007-06:00

check out some pictures from my time in south africa

activities

During the day on Thursday, I drove around with Anna and two of the carers who work at the home-health NGO, Mavis & Brenda. We visited patients all throughout the township. There are a lot of sick people in Soshanguve, whether elderly with high blood pressure and no access to medicine, or people struggling with HIV and tuberculosis. The NGO that petunia and anna work with is a home health program, so each of these patients gets visited at home and their health tended to. the neat thing about visiting these patients on Thursday was that while there was initially a specific “purpose,” there was also opportunity and openness to develop a real relationship. It didn’t seem like there was the typical distance between care-provider and recipient. i watched as the carers took blood pressures, checked blood sugar, laughed, listened, and prayed. and it was so hot that work was done by 1pm.

On Thursday evening it was my turn to cook for the team. Luc was very curious and interested in learning more about my Jewish heritage so I made some jewish soul food. First started with some chicken mirabella that my mom makes deliciously, then kugel and then finished it off with the classic aunt sal’s chocolate chip cake, fresh with chocolate chips delivered from America. The meal was a delicious success, although it got stretched out to two nights because on Thursday there was a big late-afternoon thunderstorm that knocked our power out for two hours, right as I was getting ready to start cooking the kugel. There were no complaints, though, that the cultural experiment lasted longer than expected.

On Friday, I visited the National Cultural History Museum which was very interesting and informative. I learned about the history of migration into South Africa, as well as some of the background one of the most diverse neighborhoods in pretoria.

Comparisons

It was amazing to me how many similarities I found between life in the township and my life in new Orleans. Life is full and vibrant, neighbors are friendly. Many nights I fell asleep to the music and sounds of a bar near the team house. Celebrations are public, as is mourning. Just like in new Orleans when people get a DJ for any sort of event, birthday party, wedding, funeral, in Sosh events like these—whether to celebrate or mourn—are public and open to the whole neighborhood. There is a high value placed on young women having babies and new life, though also risky living when people realize that longevity cannot be taken for granted. There are old women raising grandkids. The children in the neighborhood don’t have a lot of recreational options. Addictions and distractions from daily struggles are a regular part of life. There's a strong presence of “church” culture and a strong need for the gospel to be truly lived out. Unemployment is a big problem, and that also creates opportunities for informal entrepreneurship.

Of course there are differences too, even though many people are fond of saying that New Orleans is like a third world country. Some parts of Sosh have still not been declared fit for

human habitation, which means the government does not provide basic services, like water and electricity, to those informal settlements. Many people are living in tin shacks when people are sick here, they are just as likely to visit a Sangoma as they are to visit a clinic. Speaking of clinics, for a township of over 1 million people, ther are only 4 government run health clinics. South Africa has the highest rate of HIV in the world.

One of the things about returning to South Africa was seeing how it felt, compared to the first time I had been there. And it was very interesting. At first I really couldn’t believe that I had actually made it back! After all that time of wanting to return—then it was real! It took some time into my visit to really realize some of the differences between the first time and this time. First of all, capetown seems to be very different from the northern part of the country, near Pretoria & Johannesburg. The other main thing was realizing that when I studied abroad, I lived with all other international students, many American, and surrounded myself largely with university happenings and culture. Yes I was definitely in South Africa and taking advantage of that, but I still chose to cushion myself with what was familiar and comfortable. Reflecting on this reminded me of when I was in mission year and we were challenged to really immerse ourselves in the culture and the experience. We were challenged to remember that it is so easy to go into a seemingly difficult situation yet still try to protect ourselves with the “safe” and familiar things of life. And there is nothing intrinsically wrong with doing that. But, when we cling to what we know, we miss out on what is new all around us. And that’s what I can remember of my previous time in South Africa. I don’t think I was genuinely immersed in the culture—and I don’t know how much I could have been—and that is totally the opposite of this time. The circumstances are so different, the settings so disparate,yet the temptation to stick with the “familiar” is still there.

What God is doing.

In my debrief with Luc & Petunia, we talked about what we see God doing in Sosh. He is definitely using the skills and gifts of petunia and anna to meet with the sick and not only give them medical care but also offer prayer and compassion. He is using the team as a safe place for neighborhood kids to come and study the bible as well as have fun. He is using Luc to reach men in the community, many of whom would not be the church-going type. He is using the team to develop relationships that might seem unlikely, in order to bring people closer to Himself. God is using the team to challenge many long-held cultural assumptions; a married couple that enjoys spending time together, a father who takes care of the kids and a wife who is not above doing gardening or fixing the car. Even having a white person living in the house, working as part of the team, is such a strong statement of reconciliation in the post-apartheid era in South Africa.

Next Steps

When the conversation came to “next steps” I wasn’t quite sure what to say. The team has graciously and generously offered an open door invitation for me to join them in life and work in Sosh. at the same time, they confirmed and agreed that they trust that God is in control and that He has a plan for me, so that even if I end up not moving to Sosh, they are excited to see where God is leading me.

I really enjoyed my time with the team. I did not see the clouds part and an angel descend telling me my next directives. But I know that I did not end up there randomly. Honestly, I really missed my friends and family and it really began to sink in just how FAR I was from everything that I know. I feel like I am still in a discernment period as to what God is leading me to. Really, I feel like I’m competing with my desires for personal comfort. Can I put them aside for the sake of pursuing God? Seems like such a crazy comparison when I put it on paper, but it’s a real strong pull. this visit also showed me my fondness for answers—having them, knowing them, understanding reasons behind everything. In this case though, I need to keep seeking God’s face and not just his answers. I have to trust that there may still remain some unanswered questions when I make a decision. I am generally commitment-avoidant, at least until the last minute of the deadline. I would prefer someone else making the decision for me. In this case, there are so many reasons to not move halfway across the world. At the same time, I cannot forget all that God has led me through up to this point. As a good friend reminded me, “Don’t doubt in the darkness what God gave you in the light.” Or as I read in The New Friars “The ups and downs of your emotions are no basis for determining God’s will in this matter.” I am so thankful for the time that I had with the team. I will be participating in the InnerChange Apprentice orientation beginning tomorrow afternoon, and I’m hoping that that will help clarify things for me too. Please join me in prayer for discernment and wisdom!

Thank you for all your encouragement and support on the journey so far!

on the benefits of traveller's sickness

2010-01-12T19:12:00.003-06:00

I must confess that my major concern and anxiety (even in the face of Philippians 4) regarding my travels was getting sick. I wasn’t that nervous about my safety or if I’d get along with the other team members. I honestly wasn’t even that worried about the long flights. But, I found that after a few days of being in Soshanguve, I was nervous about every thing I put in my mouth to eat or drink. It was beginning to get a bit paralyzing! During your pre-trip visit to the travel clinic to get immunizations and other preparations, they try to scare you about all the possible risks and illnesses that could befall any innocent traveler. And I, for one, do not like getting sick. As many people know, it has gotten to the point of distancing myself when I may perchance be exposed to any number of my friends who may be sick at any given time. It definitely inhibits any potential compassion that may come from me. So at any rate, I didn’t want to get sick and I was finding it to consume much of my thoughts. I of course still wanted to enjoy myself and be immersed in the experience; I was just finding it hard to shake these fears.

And then it happened… I was getting ready to go out for a day of planned activities with Luc on Monday and bam! “the runny tummy” as the team calls it. And that was it—that did me in for the next three days. I knew it wasn’t just any random stomachache, but instead one of those that just doesn’t feel better with time and trips to the bathroom. This would just have to be suffered through. And so while I’d love to be able to recount for you what I did each day during my second week in the township, most of it was spent napping and just taking it easy to allow my body time to recover. And while I didn’t enjoy feeling ill and wouldn’t recommend it for other travelers, I can honestly look back and appreciate the experience.

i can recall wednesday morning, being so frustrated with the whole situation. Luc had planned to push Monday’s activity back to Wednesday but I was still feeling a bit weak on Wednesday. I knew in my heart and my mind that God was still in control and his plans were best, but it still irritated me. “I came all the way here to get sick?? That just seems like a waste of time!” I complained to God. It was a very tangible demonstration of when james wrote that we do not know what tomorrow will bring. in the same moment that I fretted over not understanding the bigger purpose of it all, God’s gentle voice reassured me that even if I didn’t understand it or it didn’t make sense, He still in fact had a plan, that made sense in the bigger sense, and that was all the sense that mattered. I was reminded, gently, how small and immediate-minded I am and how much bigger and eternally-focused God is. God’s plans are always better than what we can hatch up—even when we decide to do something that promotes God’s name. I don’t get the sense that God didn’t want us to do what Luc had planned, or that in some way God was trying to teach me I should not have come to South Africa at all. No, instead he used the time of doubt to make clear His control.

Another benefit of my illness, and something that I thank God for, was the opportunity to read “The New Friars”. this was a book that I had run into on several occasions and had added to the mental list of books that I wanted to read, someday. I don’t remember even how it got brought up, but Luc had it and offered to let me read it. Now, I am not a fast reader, but the task came upon me to finish a 185-page book in 4 days! That’s unheard of for me. But it pushed me to be more deeply involved and invested, instead of reading a few pages here and there and then coming back to it after a break of several days. What an amazing thing to be able to read this book which recounts stories of historical and modern friar movements that are reaching out to love the poor and marginalized in Jesus’ name. sure, I could have picked up this book at any of the other myriad times when I came across it. Surely some of what I could have read would have stuck with me. But there is something so valuable about reading a book that speaks directly to the circumstances you find yourself in. Innerchange was one of the “new friar” communities that the author profiled and indeed I witnessed firsthand this ministry on the margins.

And to be honest, it really made me question if this is something I can do. No wait, scratch that. This is NOT something I can do…though it is something that can be done through God’s power in me. Reading the descriptions of slum communities built on garbage mountains and missionaries going to join the poor in absolute desperate conditions reminded me how much I value my personal comfort. Yes I want the poorest of the poor to know Christ’s love and yes I believe that incarnating among people is the best demonstration of Jesus’ actions. But me??? Living among the garbage? Or among the shanty-tin shacks with no plumbing?? The Lord in his infinite wisdom saw to it that in my sickness, I would be afforded the chance to read this book and really crystallize some of my fears and questions about doing the type of ministry that I had come to visit. Perhaps if I had not been sick, and had not read the book, I would have glossed over some of the harder realities of life in the township. Perhaps I would have missed out on some of the conversations with the team that my reading of this book, and marinating on its examples, spurred among us.

Another reason why I’m thankful for this sickness is that it really forced me to slow down. I definitely didn’t think I was coming to South Africa for vacation and even though luc had told me about innerchange’s emphasis on “be”ing rather than “do”ing, I didn’t really know what to expect. Well every step of the way, I was reminded that the priority (in Innerchange…and in God’s kingdom) is people over programs or agendas. The priority was my wellness, not rushing along to accomplish a plan or check off to-do’s. I love restful time but I do not make it a habit. It really is missing the forest for the trees because I often find myself utterly exhausted, even though God has built into His plan a weekly time, devoted just to resting. Sometimes, when we forget that, He sends along nice little reminders to get our attention.

Another reason to be thankful for my sickness, and perhaps a theme that I have stumbled upon, is the gift of my worst fears and anxieties coming true. It’s like when I got into the car accident this summer—I realized soon after that that was my worst nightmare come true. Not only physically, but spiritually too—I had lost all control. In the case this past week with my sickness, it was exactly the thing I was hoping and praying did not happen. This could turn us again to why’s, especially because I know there were others in fact praying for this too. Well, it doesn’t convince me that God does not answer prayers. No, like I said before, I think God answered these prayers in the way that was best. We are limited in our perspective, so we are limited in our prayers. That is why he says he’ll give us abundantly more than we could ask or imagine—our little minds can’t handle His goodness! So, I was afraid of getting sick and then it happened. And I survived. Should this give me an invincible attitude always? Not necessarily. I don’t think this implies some sort of special magical anointing that means that bad things will never happen to me. But I do think it’s a pretty clear and good signal that even when bad things happen, those things do not have the last word. does that mean that the things that I fear will not happen? Or that my mind’s power will in fact continue to bring them to bear? Or that God was somehow punishing me for something? No, I don’t think so. But this builds my faith that even when my “worst-case-scenarios” become reality, God is still faithful and has not changed. He is with me all along and compassionate to me.

happy new year from soshanguve!

2010-01-01T08:50:00.006-06:00

HAPPY 2010!!!!

it is hot hot hot here--weather.com says it is 84 degrees and there is no air conditioning, so i feel every bit of that heat! i thought the recent moderate temps in new orleans would prepare me for this, but i guess you never really get used to it. luc & petunia & anna have been such great hosts to me in my time here. it feels like i've been here longer than 3 1/2 days. here's a run down of what i've been doing so far...

on wednesday, my first full day here, luc gave me a tour of the township. we talked about the history and all the different sections and it was very interesting. this place is huge! there is a mix of brick houses, like where luc & petunia live, and shacks, all scattered throughout soshanguve. the land used to be farmland so there is still a lot of open space. this township wasn't recognized as a human settlement until 1974, which means that although there were already people living in informal settlements on the land before that, it wasn't until then that the government stated providing basic services like electricity and water. the township is still expanding even now, with new houses being constructed all around the edges. there are some sections that are very poor and some that are middle and even upper-middle class. one of the wealthiest men in soshanguve lives at the end of our street, and there is a large gate in front of his house. he has 4 wives and each of them has a house like that in various parts of the township. we rode on several taxis, and if you've never been to africa or any other developing country i suppose, you need to know that these are not like american taxis. these are little mini-buses and they pack people in and travel all over the township. riding them is defintely an adventure! luc and i went to the center of the township, with the train station and the marketplace and it was bustling with activity! later in the afternoon, i went with petunia and anna to visit some of their friends in the township. there are a bunch of languages spoken here, so i didnt really know what was being said most of the time but everyone was very friendly and having a good time :)

afternoon naps here are a must, and i won't complain about that! after our tour of the township, luc and i came back to the house to rest. luc reminded me that one of the values of innerchange is not always trying to be busy, but instead allowing time to just be. as vague as that may sound, i think it's healthy and will definitely take work (ironic!) since it seems so opposite from my instincts. it's not that there is much i can do here now, but just the urge to stay busy, or be using every second of my time "efficiently" will be a challenge to overcome. this is not to say that people here are just lazy, just that the focus is not so much on go-go-go-do-do-do all the time.

yesterday we relaxed in the morning, with time to reflect and process all that i had learned and seen on wednesday. in the afternoon, we headed out to pretoria for some more training. luc took us to several different locations in the city as we studied psalm 121 and talked about dependence on God. we visited the Union Buildings, which is like the White House of South Africa. they have some beautiful gardens and we saw 2 newlywed couples taking pictures there! We also visited UNISA which is the largest distance-learning institution in the southern hemisphere. classes are not in session, as it is summertime here, so we sat atop the quiet campus which overlooks the city. then we headed over to the South African Reserve Bank in the middle of the city. it has some nice fountains and benches, but in the past few years they have erected an iron gate so people can't really loiter. next we drove over to the headquarters for military recruitment and then finally to Church Square, with a statue of Paul Kruger. This little tour was not only to give a feeling for Pretoria, but also to remind us to rely on God in all that we do. we were brought to different symbols of power--political, intellectual, financial, military, and the power of the past--and discussed, reflected, and prayed about God's power in and above all those. we were reminded to trust and rely primarily on God, not just on the assets he gives us or the institutions that society is built on, but on Him and his power and his actions. i was really encouraged to remember this: "The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." Psalm 121:7-8 amen!

after our training was finished, we went to an area of the city called sunnyside for dinner. we had a nice meal and as we ate, our new year's entertainment began.

after that we dropped luc off at church so he could pray-in the new year and petunia, anna, and i tried to find some fireworks. usually there is a big display in church square, but we learned that the mayor cancelled it this year because the city is in debt! so we ended up back at sunnywide with a bunch of other people setting off sparklers in the street and yelling "Happpeeeee! Haapppeeeeee!" it was fun times! check out my pictures. (it takes too much bandwidth to upload the pics at normal size and i haven't quite figured out how to resize them in the right way, so that's why some of them look so small. if you know how to upload them smaller, but still get them to appear normal size on my picasa album, please let me know!)

since the new year started, i slept til 12:30 in the afternoon and then we've just been lounging around all day. it's too hot to do much and apparently on new year's the whole township sleeps til 5pm. smart!!

hope the new year has begun well for you!

on taking risks...

2009-12-27T16:30:00.002-06:00

emily 101: i like to be right. i like to make "safe" decisions. i like to be in control and follow procedures to a predictable outcome. i like to be responsible. i like surprises, unless i know they are coming...and then i want to know when and where and how and who so as to mitigate the shock as much as possible. (and then the joy of the surprise has been sucked out.) i like to have the answers. i like to know what i'm doing, and definitely maintain that appearance.

and this big adventure i'm about to go on throws a lot of that stuff out the window. i have been reminded by several people that this whole thing is a big risk! so many variables over which i have no control. what will i be doing? why did i leave my job? how will i be able to raise the money? what if it's not what i'm supposed to do? what if something bad happens to me? yes, all these are good questions and i don't have answers! i have NEVER been a risk-taker, but part of having faith is taking risks. it requires stepping out into what is unseen, and that step can be sure because we have a firm foundation in Christ.

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible... Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 11 & 12)

following God's lead requires me to set aside all those things that i have so often thought were true of myself. God has made me new, and continues transforming my life...so that even i can look at a situation like this and step forward. maybe it will fail, maybe it will set me on a whole different path than what i can imagine. but this doesn't even feel like a risk to me because i know who i'm following. i have felt so many emotions in the past several months and at times i have even wondered to myself, "am i doing the right thing?" and amidst all of my wonderings, i do not feel regret. i believe that as i seek the Lord with all my heart, He is faithful and loving to lead me in the way that He would have me to go. parents want the best for their children; the children need to trust that even when many questions remain unanswered. and the Father who is in control and is at work redeeming all of creation has invited us to come along. so our best bet is to hang on for the ride!!

T -13 days!

2009-12-15T19:02:00.006-06:00

SO i'm leaving for south africa in 13 days!! i cannot believe how quickly the time has flown (didnt i say that in my last post?? you think i'd get used to that by now, huh?) i'm really excited for the trip, but i feel like there's still so much to do to prepare. i know i've gotten many questions about this upcoming endeavor, so i'll attempt to answer some here...

you're going to south africa?!?! why?
short answer: i feel like God is leading me to and through this opportunity and i'm excited to see what will happen!
longer answer: for as long as i can remember, i've had a love and passion for africa. i studied abroad in south africa and since then have always wanted to return to the continent. when my job with the church came to an end, i was given the opportunity to explore any and all possibilities. i came back to innerchange, a ministry that i had explored more than a year ago. they have a team in soshanguve, south africa and i'm excited for the opportunity to join with what God is already up to down there!

how long will you be there?
short answer: this trip is just a short, two-week visit. hopefully in the spring i'll be ready to move on down there for a more long-term commitment.
longer answer: this visit will be kind of an exploratory trip. i'll get to meet the team, get a taste of the community, and meet up with some ministry partners who have already been doing God's work in the township. also while visiting, i'm hoping to get a sense for how long my longer commitment will be. at this point, i think it will be at least a year, and it could be several years beyond that. we'll see!

but what will you actually be doing??
short answer: excellent question. as i like to say, sometimes there are more questions than there are answers =)
longer answer: i'm not quite sure of what my specific role will be. this time of visiting the team will give me a good chance to just be present and see where God is leading me to fit in with what is already going on. it is a challenge to my instinctive desire to always wanna do-do-do to have this time to just be and see how God may be leading me to fit in with the work He's already got going on. i'm also encouraged by the fact that the team leaders hvae read my application and we've had several conversations and given their knowledge of the community and its needs, they see a fit for me there. this adventure has been confirmed and affirmed from a lot of different directions, so I'm grateful for the faith-building exercise!

what next?
short answer: six weeks of travels and then back to new orleans.
longer answer: i'll be in south africa for approximately two weeks. then i head to california for innerchange trainings--first in the bay area, and then in so-cal. then i'll head to chicago at the end of january for my friend's wedding (!) and THEN back to new orleans just in time for mardi gras! at that point, i'll need to put my focus on raising support in order to join the team in soshanguve full-time. the cost is about $1200 per month, which covers the various living expenses, including health insurance and funds for continued training. once i have most of that raised or pledged i will make plans to return to south africa for the long haul!

like i said in a previous blog post, i really like details, and knowing what is gonna happen, step-by-step. well, this adventure is just not like that but i know that God is leading this adventure, so i don't have to worry.

what's next! part 2 (read this fifth, then you can read them in whatever order you want.)

2009-11-01T22:03:00.005-06:00

so now that you know my longer-term plans, we still have to cover the short-term! ever since leaving my job at the church, i knew the ideal situation would be to find something that i really felt God was calling me to, fit my passions and interests, and could also pay the bills. at this point, after 2 full months of searching without much fruit, i'm at the point of settling for objective three: pay the bills! luckily, just when i felt like giving up, the Lord reminded me that he has been working things out all along.

some pieces are beginnig to come together, like babysitting gigs, temp agencies, and some tutoring. the interim job that i am most excited about, though, is being a sales rep for Acholi Beads. i have known about acholi beads for a while, and last year i met up with the founder, james, who has become a friend through relational tithe. for me, acholi beads combines several of my passions--proactive involvement in the conflict affecting hundreds of thousands of people in Uganda and central Africa; empowerment and life development training for survivors of injustice and oppression; and, of course, cute accessories.

acholi beads is a wholesale company that sells beautiful beaded jewelry handmade by refugee women in uganda. these women of the acholi tribe, victims of the 23-year conflict with the LRA, have been forced to flee their homes in northern uganda and re-settle in slum quarters in the ugandan capital of kampala. the opportunities for these women are very limited, and their "livelihood" is based on work in a local rock quarry--smashing rocks into gravel by hand. if they were lucky, they'd make $1/day. so not only were they spending their days pounding rocks, but their kids (and adopted orphans from their community) had no safe place to play. at the same time, these women have an amazing native craft of turning paper into beutiful beaded jewelry. so Acholi Beads has come alongside these women to give them a market in america. now the women have hope for their lives and have investment in a brighter future for themselves and their families.

it's not a charity--it's a Socially Proactive Business because it is a business whose success is directly linked to the alleviation of a social ill. our beadmakers make money by selling their wares to Acholi Beads. Acholi Beads makes money by selling the beads to stores. The stores make money by selling the beads to their customers. and all throughout, more and more people learn the story of the acholi women and spread the word about their amazing courage and strength.

think about how cool it is--customers get some amazing, beautiful, unique, handmade jewelry and women halfway across the world become more empowered to change their own lives! and think about what a cool gift that would be for the holidays--not only could you give some beautiful jewelry, but you'd give the additional gift of knowing that your purchase directly benefits a bead-maker in uganda. check out the beads online, tell your friends, and then order from me! (ordering directly from me will save you $1 per piece) there are also some pieces that aren't listed on the website, as well as a holiday gift set that has a matching necklace, bracelet and pair of earrings.

wear their beads and share their story!!

what's next! part 1 (read this one fourth)

2009-10-31T17:45:00.008-05:00

so, if you have been following along like some diligent readers that i know, ahem, then you are on the edge of your seat awaiting installment number four where i tell you all of my big life plans. well, i am not one for long-term or big life planning (which i learned from dave ramsey recently is a sign of immaturity. good to know.) but the time has come to take some steps forward.

the short story is: my plan is to move to south africa, to join the ministry of InnerChange in the Soshanguve township outside of Pretoria!!

the long story: if you know me, then you know that ever since i studied abroad in capetown, south africa, i have wanted to get back there. i have devoted time and energy to various social issues happening in africa and remain very passionate about the continent and its people. over the past 6 years, since i returned from study abroad, a few different opportunities have come up that could have brought me back. and each time, something didn't quite connect, and i was reminded that we have to submit even our most noble, service-minded desires to God's bigger plan (because He's always got something better in mind!)

then, when i got in the car accident that derailed the trip that i THOUGHT would open up doors of opportunity for me to get closer to going to africa, i really wondered what God was up to. would i ever get to africa, i wondered? if so, when?? that experience really taught me that instead of pursuing my own expectations and desires, the always more-satisfying route would be to trust the One who makes the plans for me.

as things at the church started to change, and i was charged not just looking for a job, but with really, actively pursuing God's call for me, i was reminded of InnerCHANGE. I first came into contact with InnerChange last summer, when i met lyndy. one of my mission year teammates was friends with lyndy in san francisco, and told me to meet up with her when she came to new orleans for the summer. one day, lyndy just happened to show up at st. roch and an instant friendship was formed! lyndy was down here with another guy to do some scouting work for innerchange, to explore the possibility of someday having a team in new orleans. we connected easily right away, especially over our common desire to see God's kingdom come among the poor. she kept telling me to check out the innerchange website and i kept avoiding it, mostly because i had a feeling that i would really like it--and i didn't know what i'd do with that knowledge!

well, i finally did and i was right (well, actually lyndy was right).... learning what innerchange was all about was like reading the secret desires of my heart, made public and carried out by other people around the world! i couldnt believe it! a christian order among the poor.....sharing the gospel in word and deed.....relationships are foundational....a joyful spirit at pursuing life among the poor....living in intentional community...commitments to humility, simplicity, purity, service, prayer... (sounds a lot like mission year, but with the intentionality of nurturing people to make a lifestyle of ministry among the poor, not just a year-long experience) i was immediately faced with the deep sense that, having read this and gained the knowledge that a ministry like this existed, my life would never be the same. i didn't know what that meant or when it would take effect, but i knew God was at work. at the same time, and for all my wondering about how i ended up in New Orleans, i had a feeling that God was not calling me to leave the city just yet.

a year later, and beginning to see how God was moving things around and creating new opportunities for me, i refreshed myself with InnerChange. at the time i had originally explored it, there was talk about the potential of bringing a team to new orleans, but that wouldn't happen for a while. this time i noticed there was a team in south africa. i contacted innerchange and began the process of exploring the possibility of my joining. whereas in so many other situations it seemed there were doors that continued to close, with innerchange it has really felt like i am being led through this process and that i am not just taking these steps on my own. Every step of the way has held encouragement and affirmation.

as for the actual team in south africa, it is led by a married couple named luc & petunia. i have had several conversations with luc and am very excited about getting to see what this team is up to. there is a great need for medical care in the township, as there are only 4 clinics to serve over 1 million people. petunia is a nurse, and this is her primary route of service. the team has other things going on and has partnered with other local churches and ministries, but one of the things that is exciting is being given the chance to "pioneer" something new. so many people want to know what i'm going to DO while i'm there. and that is a good question! i've been encouraged, though, to push back with the challenge of going there and allowing myself to see how God might use me to serve. I want to balance the desire to DO with the need to sometimes just BE amongst people and really spend time to discern the best fit between need and skills. i am confident that God is at work not only in me, but in the hearts of the team, confirming these steps and reaffirming this desire for me to move in this direction.

as for logistics, the plan is to visit the team in the next few months and then start with the InnerChange orientation in january. beyond that, i will be raising support and continuing to prepare for the move to south africa. i like details, but i can tell the Lord is at work, so i am not stressed or anxious!

I am so excited and thankful for this opportunity and look forward to sharing more with you as the adventure continues!

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes! (read this one third)

2009-10-25T16:45:00.006-05:00

did i get the old david bowie song stuck in your head? i hope so =)

so...i slightly hinted at some new life direction. here's the short of it: i'm no longer an employee of St. Roch Community Church! believe me, you'll want the details, so read on.

well, i have been here in new orleans for a little over 3 years. since coming here, i have served a largely administrative role in various work settings. if you can remember back a few years, when i posted about my decision to stay in here after the initial year-long internship, i mentioned that i wouldn't be spending all my time behind a desk. i came on staff with st roch community church in august of 2007 and since then have filled various roles. technically my position was "church administrator" but that meant any number of things on any given day: site coordinator for free tax service, secretary, errand-runner, after-school program tutor and leader, volunteer recruiter and trainer, summer camp support staff, budget adviser, board member, development team member, potluck coordinator, wedding coordinator, direct service provider, etc. there were a lot of pieces of this job that i really liked, and i loved being able to work with a close-knit group of people who have become my new orleans family. at the same time, i often wondered to myself (and sometimes out loud) how long i would stay as an administrator. looking over my journal, i see my thoughts were often on the fact that i never felt like i was made to be an administrator. i have done much soul-searching, and invited God in on that process as well, and i am confident in saying that it was not merely about the title--it's not just that i'm uncomfortable being called an "assistant" or "secretary." indeed, if i was doing the work that i felt really fit me, you could call me a monkey's uncle, it wouldn't really matter. the church is at such a young point, and as often is the case in the life of young ministries, the small staff is stretched and tasked with doing things that each individual might not really want to do. again, i really enjoyed being a part of the birth of this church that the Lord is already blessing and using to bless others, but i wondered if the Lord wasn't perhaps calling me to something beyond this administrative role...

right after the car accident (which i alluded to in the previous post) in mid-june, i was in serious life-examination mode. my friend julie and i were on our way to DC to lobby for an end to the war in Central Africa. i lost control of the car, outside of mobile, alabama and all our plans changed. (the car was totaled but praise God neither me nor julie were seriously injured!!) in the aftermath of the accident, and sensing that perhaps this experience had more implications than just a change in immediate plans, i had so many questions. what was God trying to tell me? now missing out on the anticipated networking opportunities with other like-minded activities in DC, what would come of all my hopes and excitement to be involved in this movement? would i ever get to africa? would i be in new orleans forever? what was i really made to do? i wanted immediate answers, but luckily it doesn't always work like that.

JB, pastor of st roch community church/all-around great guy, and i talked about these feelings and questions and both committed to praying about my role at the church and how the Lord was moving in my life. neither of us knew where this would lead--but then again, that's why we needed to pray about it!

about a month and a half later, and still no clearer on a general life direction, jb and i had another conversation. at that point he told me that what the church really needed was, basically, an administrative assistant. now, i really wanted to submit to God's will and actually DO what He was calling me to do....but i couldn't believe that this position that i had tried to buck against for several years was coming back to me. i just didn't know what to think! i didnt want to be like jonah, continually fleeing from God's call. but at the same time, i just didn't have the peace that one would think should come with a clear calling (and i had been doing the job for the previous 3 years and felt ready for something new).

after much prayer and conversation and reflection and tears, i came to the conclusion that i would no longer be able to fill this need at the church. i shared this with jb, and even then there was a possibility that i might stay on staff with the church, in a slightly-varied role. in the end, we realized that this was an opportunity to pursue God's calling for my life, apart from working at st. roch. these conversations with jb were challenging, encouraging, reassuring, and, importantly, really pushed me to wrestle through some things. this new opportunity was not just a time to stop working for st roch, but also a time to more actively pursue opportunities where God might be leading me.

now some might question this philosophy of God's "calling" and say, "as long as you love God and love your neighbor, it doesn't matter where you are," or "God cares more about WHO you are than about WHAT you do." and to those comments i would say "yes!" but i do think it's a both/and type of thing. at the end of the day, what matters most is our hearts before God and how that is displayed in the love we show for our neighbors. at the same time, i do believe that God has made us each with a unique purpose and while ultimately the ONE purpose of all who believe in Christ is to glorify and make Him known, God has entrusted to each of us a specific mission. just as in Jesus' day, various disciples and apostles were called to certain lands and works, even today God puts people in the places where He has equipped them to serve. on the other hand, if i get hung up on cracking the mystery of God's calling that i lose sight of what he's already doing through me in this place, then i've lost sight of the bigger picture. if i can't love God and love my neighbor right where i'm at, how can i expect to do that somewhere else? and pursuing God and His plan for our lives is a simultaneous experiment with the inner transformation that his spirit accomplishes within us.

all the while of being in New Orleans, i have wondered how long i would be here, mostly because if i were the long-term-planning type, i never would have long-term-planned to move here! i have wondered how long i would be a church administrator. i have wondered what God was up to, but never doubted that he called me here for a reason. during this time of uncertainty over my role at the church, i was particularly encouraged by these verses: "Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." (1 Corinithians 15:58) "The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever." (Psalm 138:8) i realize that even while i wasn't sure what God's bigger purpose was in having me here, and working for the church in a role that i didn't always like, i knew that the work was not in vain. i knew that God was working all things together, in spite of my short-sightedness. and it gave me great encouragement to know that not only does God have a purpose for me, but that He will in fact do the work of fulfilling it!

so, my departure from church employment was covered in love and encouragement and an excitement about what opportunities might lay ahead for me. i am still very much a member and part of the st. roch community church family. as for future plans....you'll just have to stay tuned and keep reading!

hear the Voice (read this one second)

2009-10-17T17:45:00.008-05:00

so the first in this series will actually be a book review i was supposed to do last year.

when my friend stephen told me last october about the Voice, a new bible translation project, it sounded really neat. i looked it up online and saw that i could get a just-published New Testament for FREE! what could be better? the only catch--i had to blog about it. well, better late than never, eh?

from the website:

"Much like the Hebrews at the time of the New Testament, emerging generations today connect with story rather than isolated facts. Too often, preaching is reduced to articulating truth statements somehow hidden in a complex, powerful, and redemptive story. Jesus taught through parables and metaphors; modern Christians have attempted to translate His teaching into a system of irrefutable fact statements and something seems to be getting lost in the translation.
Hence, a group of writers, poets, scholars, pastors, and storytellers have committed to work together to bring the Scriptures to life in a way that celebrates both beauty and truth.
The result is a retelling of the Scriptures: The Voice, not of words, but of meaning and experience.
The Voice is a fresh expression of the timeless narrative known as the Bible. Stories that were told to emerging generations of God's goodness by their grandparents and tribal leaders were recorded and assembled to form the Christian Scriptures. Too often the passion, grit, humor, and beauty has been lost in the translation process. The Voice seeks to recapture what was lost."

and from the preface of the Voice New Testament:
"The Voice uniquely represents collaboration among scholars, pastors, writers, musicians, poets, and other artists. The goal is to create the finest Bible products to hep believers experience the joy and wonder of God's revelation. Four key words describe the vision of this project: holistic (considers heart, soul, and mind); beautiful (achieves literary and artistic excellence); sensitive (respects cultural shifts and the need for accuracy); and balanced (includes theologically diverse writers and scholars)...The heart of the project is retelling the story of the Bible in a form as fluid as modern literary works yet remaining painstakingly true to the original manuscripts."

i have really enjoyed reading through the Voice. i have appreciated the way the collaborators made an effort to draw out the context so the reader can really understand how the listeners of that day would be hearing the message. i have been on the fence for a while about the Message version of the bible but i feel the Voice is different. i think where the Message paraphrases things to make them more transferable to today's language, the Voice's concern about the way the original audience would have heard what was being said is emphasized. it is more of a direct translation, and less of a paraphrase, so the authenticity of the words still shines through. it has really illuminated meaning and value for me to read certain passages in the Voice and then compare those to another version and see the depth of what i'm reading. a lot of the text is broken up into sort of stage directions, with "narration" given between the "players' lines." this is helpful to clarify some dialogue and also helps in imagining the scene during Jesus' time.

some of my favorite passages from the Voice, and you can do the homework of comparing them to another bible version to see the differences....
"There is a sure way for us to know that we belong to the truth. Even though our inner thoughts may condemn us with storms of guilt and constant reminders of our failures, we can know in our hearts in His presence that God Himself is greater than any accusation. He knows all things and has chosen to offer grace instead of condemnation. My loved ones, if our hearts cannot condemn us we can stand with confidence before God. Whatever we may ask, we receive it form Him because we follow His commands and take the path that pleases Him. His command is clear: believe in the name of His Son, Jesus, our Liberating King, and love one another as He commanded. The one who follows His teaching and walks this path lives in an intimate relationship with God." (1 John 3:19-24)

"So my brothers and sisters, you owe the flesh nothing! You do not need to live according to its ways, so abandon its oppressive regime. For if your life is just about satisfying the impulses of your sinful nature, then prepare to die. But if you have invited the Spirit to destroy these selfish desires, you will experience life. If the Spirit of God is leading you, then take comfort in knowing you are His children." (Romans 8:12-14)

"Finally, brothers and sisters, keep rejoicing and repair whatever is broken. Encourage each other, think as one, and live at peace; and God, the Author of love and peace, will remain with you." (2 Corinthians 13:11)

"We have cause to celebrate because the grace of God has appeared, offering the gift of salvation to all people. Grace arrives with its own instruction: run away from anything that leads us away from God; abandon the lusts and passions of this world; live life now in this age with awareness and self-control, doing the right thing and keeping yourselves holy. Watch for His return; expect the blessed hope we all are to share when our amazing God and Savior, Jesus, the Liberating King, appears again. He gave His body for our sake and will not only break us free from the chains of wickedness, but He will also prepare a community uncorrupted by the world that He would call His own--people who are passionate about doing the right thing." (Titus 2: 11-14)

"The Liberating King suffered for us and left us His example so that we could follow in His steps. When He was verbally abused, He didn't return the abuse; when He suffered, He didn't make threats to cause suffering in return; instead, He trusted that all would be put right by the One who is just when He judges." (1 Peter 2:22-23)

another neat thing is that there have been two audio projects as part of the Voice, and these put the psalms of the Old Testament to music. i have heard a few of these selections and if you can get your hands on these, i highly recommend them! for more info check these out: hearthevoice.com, Songs from the Voice (Vol. 1), Songs from the Voice (Vol. 2).

long overdue (read this one first)

2009-10-17T17:19:00.007-05:00

i can't believe it's been so long since i last updated the good ole blog. well if you are anything like my dad, you've been wanting a blog update from me for a long time. and if you are anything like most other people =) then you probably didn't notice i had taken such a long hiatus.

since you heard from me last:
another mardi gras season, come and gone. another tax season, come and gone. the Rescue, invisible children event. first st roch art show. six friends moved away from new orleans. cousin's wedding in chicago. planned trip to DC to lobby for an end to the war in Central Africa. car accident changes plans! summer camp in st roch. friend's wedding in california. new life direction? (more details in upcoming posts)...

i'm gonna break up my overdue posts so you dont get tired and foggy-eyed trying to read everything in one long post. in this series:
a book review
ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
what's next!

show some love!

2009-02-12T14:36:00.003-06:00

I am posting this to ask you to consider a special gift toward the Mission Year Love Drive: https://www.missionyear.org/love/alumni Every donation at or above $50 receives a special edition T-Shirt!

I gave a year of my life to serve with this amazing organization in Oakland, California, and while I can only hope that it changed my neighbors lives, I know it definitely changed mine. I can tell you first hand how much the support of others means to Mission Year and the 90 + Team Members serving in Atlanta, Camden, Chicago, New Orleans, Philly and Wilmington, DE. The Mission Year team members in New Orleans are so valuable to us here at St. Roch Community Church. They help us serve and love our neighbors in immeasurable ways! Having been a Mission Year team member myself, I know how difficult it can be to focus on raising support AND being fully present in your neighborhood at the same time. Would you consider showing Mission Year some love by supporting a current team member or other programmatic costs?

All of this year's Mission Year team members are able to love their neighbors, serve their neighborhoods, grow in their relationship with Christ, and minister to those around them because of God's provisions through great people like you!

So, please consider showing Mission Year some love!

Thanks!

Holiest of Holies

2008-12-23T10:08:00.010-06:00

With Christmas just a matter of hours away, I am struck by a passage of scripture unrelated to Jesus' manger-laden birth, yet fundamental to his reason for being born...

"Think about that first covenant for a moment. Even that covenant had rules and regulations about how to worship and how to set up an earthly sanctuary for God. In the Book of Exodus, we read how the first tent was set aside for worship--we call it the holy place...Behind a second dividing curtain, there was another tent which is called the most holy of holy places...

Here's my point: When all is prepared as it is supposed to be, the priests go back and forth daily into the first tent to carry out the duties described in the law. But once a year, the high priest goes alone into that second tent, the holy of holies, with blood to offer for himself and the unwitting errors of the people."

You see, the priest, being human with a heart just as prone to sin as his people, needed his own atonement before offering any atoning sacrifices for his people. This was a never-ending cycle. The priest was appointed by God to this office, but in no other way was he made or exempt apart from the law and its demands. The priest had no special way of attaining cleanliness, apart from the same rituals through which he guided other worshippers.

"As long as that first tent is standing, the Holy Spirit shows us, the way into the most holy of holy places has not yet been revealed to us. That first tent symbolizes the present time, when gifts and sacrifices can be offered; but it can't change the heart and conscience of the worshipper...

When the Liberating King arrived as High Priest of the good that comes to us, He entered through a greater and more perfect sanctuary that was not part of the earthly creation or made by human hands. He entered once for all time into the most holy of holy places--entering, not with the blood of goats or calves...but offering His own blood and thus obtaining redemption for us for all time. Think about it: if the blood of bulls or of goats, or the sprinkling of ashes from a heifer, restores the defiled to bodily cleanliness and wholeness, then how much more powerful is the blood of the Liberating King, who through the eternal Spirit offered Himself as a spotless sacrifice to God, purifying your conscience form the dead things of the world to the service of the living God?

This is why Jesus is the mediator of the new covenant: through His death, He delivered us from the sins that we had built up under the first covenant, and His death has made it possible for all who are called to receive God's promised inheritance. For whenever there is a testament--a will--the death of the one who made it must be confirmed because a will takes effect only at the death of its maker; it has no validity as long as the maker is still alive. Even the first testament--the first covenant--required blood to be put into action...Under the law, it's almost the case that everything is purified in connection with blood; without the shedding of blood, sin cannot be forgiven."

Here we are reminded that what is most real, what is most true, is the unseen reality. Take the temple in Jerusalem, the holiest place on earth. It seemed real enough, with its massive stone construction, constant flurry of rituals, and daily offerings. But the writer tells us that it was merely a copy or shadow of another place, the heavenly temple. Whatever took place in this shadowy temple could not change the realities of alienation from God, sin, and death. Whatever else seems real around us can't shade the fact that the truest part of our selves lies within, our heart and soul, which cannot be hidden or changed apart from the one who created us.

Every year on a most special day, the Day of Atonement, the high priest would don his priestly garb and enter the most holy of holy paces in the temple. His task was profound, his duty dangerous: he must appear before God carrying the sins of his people. All the sins of Israel were concentrated in him as he carried the blood of the sacrifice into the divine presence. But there was another day, a Day of Atonement unlike any other, where Jesus, the Liberating King, concentrated in Himself the sins of the world, hanging on a cross not far from the temple's holiest chamber. Indeed, for a time, He became sin. But unlike the high priest in the early copy of the temple, the crucified and risen Jesus entered the true temple of heaven and was ushered into the divine presence. He who had embodied the sins of the world carried His own sinless blood into the holy presence. Jesus' death was the sacrifice and his resurrection was the entrance into the holiest of holies, the true presence of God, wherein he carried the sins of the world as the ultimate atoning offering. At that moment, everything changed.

"The Liberating King did not enter into handcrafted sacred spaces but into heaven itself, where He stands in the presence of God on our behalf. There He does not offer Himself over and over as a sacrifice (as the high priest on earth does when he enters the most holy of holy places each year with blood other than his own) because that would require His repeated suffering since the beginning of the world. No, He has appeared once now, at the end of the age, to put away sin forever by offering Himself as a sacrifice...

We have seen how the law is simply a shadow of the good things to come. Since it is not the perfect form of these ultimate realities, the offering year after year of these imperfect sacrifices cannot bring perfection to those who come forward to worship. If they had served this purpose, wouldn't the repetition of these sacrifices have become unnecessary?...These sacrifices actually remind us that we sin again and again, year after year. In the end, the blood of bulls and of goats is powerless to take away sins"

Picture this: the worshippers come to the temple everyday, greet the priest they see everyday and hand him their daily sacrifice. He goes in, takes care of business, and comes out. "See you tomorrow, " they say to each other as they part ways. Just that scene is a clear reason why we need a once-and-for-all solution to this sin problem. I wonder if these people groaned, ached with the painful knowledge that these sacrifices, while required by God, would never be enough to thoroughly and actually cleanse their hearts and free them from the burden of sin. God asks of us obedience, and a contrite heart...steeped in the knowledge that no earthly action or routine of our own will ever be sufficient to heal our broken souls.

"In the first covenant, every day every priest stands at his post serving, offering over and over those same sacrifices that can never take away sin. But after the Liberator stepped up to offer His single sacrifice for sins for all time, He sat down in the position of honor at the right hand of God...When there is forgiveness such as this, there is no longer any need to make an offering for sin."

From the letter to the Hebrews, chapters 9 & 10

In this Christmas season, Easter must not be far from our minds. God willingly, lovingly, and joyfully sent His only Son to earth. He entered as any man would, in the form of an infant. He came and lived to fully know the human experience. And He came and lived with the full knowledge of His ultimate purpose. He was born to die. He came to serve as the only atonement that we would ever need. How his heart must have broken as he looked upon the people he loved and lived among, knowing how deeply they needed the healing that only He could offer. But how his heart must have rejoiced knowing that the generations of partial sacrifice could end. How his heart must rejoice now to see that His mission to earth, from babe to grave to resurrection, was not in vain. And he calls at this time, from a cradle in the hay, to those who will hear and respond. He calls to come, join Him in the truest way of life. Come, follow the baby who brings us peace and grace.

the one about race

2008-11-08T23:04:00.006-06:00

first it was going to be a post about obama. and how historic this moment is in our country. i was just going to write about how heartened i was to see a candidate who my neighbors believed in. but then it became something more.

this past may i attended a conference and one of the workshops was entitled "would jesus vote?" this was my question. we examined isaiah 61.1 and asked which candidate would truly be a leader who would preach good news to the poor and bind up the brokenhearted. we argued over what that might mean and look like in our country and world today and asked if it was even possible within the social structures we have created. mostly i listened. i was troubled, as i usually am with political debate. politics is politics, i knew. talk is cheap, until the votes come in. and then....well, then, the winner will do what the winner wants to do. maybe its from living in new orleans, maybe not--i feel we have little recourse when it comes to holding our leaders accountable. furthermore, it is easy for me to postulate what one candidate could do versus another. but looking deeper i realized the privilege that even comes with being able to ask that question. i wondered who my neighbors would vote for. i wondered why they should even care. i wondered what those issues were that would inform their decision. the workshop left me partly discouraged and partly encouraged. i knew that politicians werent speaking to my neighbors. it's common sense really, you make promises to the people who will vote. so in a democracy, the people who dont vote are nearly as good as invisible. and essentially powerless. that was the discouraging part. the encouragement came in the vision that began to grow of the empowerment that could take place among my neighbors. imagine if they had a voice, imagine if they rallied together about the things that mattered. i think its easy to think that nothing matters to my neighbors. but do they know that they could possess the power to effect the things that matter? have they ever been told that THEY, in fact, matter?

so, barack obama. and my neighbors. i think that my neighbors truly saw a bit of themselves in obama...or perhaps a bit of what they could imagine themselves aspiring to be. forget the fact that perhaps obama's achievements and successes could have been the same as any white candidate. it was the fact that he is black AND had those successes that connected with my neighbors. it was like they were finally willing to believe the cliche that they've perhaps never been told--you can be anything you want to be. let's be honest--a person cannot be anything they want to be by simply wanting it to be. and without resources or encouragement, its hard getting it to be a reality. so as it came down to the wire, i was more confident in my decision for obama specifically because he seemed to be the candidate of my neighbors. no i didnt base my choice solely on that fact...but it mattered to me that this was someone they could believe in. it mattered to me that it suddenly mattered enough for them to want to vote. it mattered to me that this was someone they could relate to, feel comfortable representing them as americans. that mattered to them, so it mattered to me.

and then, he won. and the historical significance is not to be understated. he's the first black president of america. he will be the face of america to the world. and the majority of voting americans chose him. that is big.

i heard some analysts talking the morning-after about which came first: the chicken (obama getting elected) or the egg (the change in attitude of america). one guy made the point that blacks have always in this country had to work twice as hard to prove they are just as good as whites. and that is precisely one of the things that obama had done. i think he is extremely qualified to be president, though i wouldnt wish the job on my worst enemy, but are we not just a little bit more impressed because he is such an accomplished black man? with the same credentials and hope-laden rhetoric, and white skin, would we be just as impressed? or is his brand of hope somehow more believable, and less political, because his black-ness represents something beyond what we've seen in america?

this evening i went to see "the secret life of bees." i did not know anything about the movie, nor the novel, though had heard it was good. i dont want to give away too much because i think you all should go see it. but i will tell you i cried like a baby. perhaps because i saw it this week, after watching history being made in my own living room, or because i'm constantly surrounded by people who dont look like me. whatever the reason, the racial theme of the story resonated with me. i found the characters wholly believeable and maybe it was a glimpse into the civil rights era that i had never seen before. but i cried. i cried because of what was happening to the characters and the injustices they faced. i cried because then with the passage of the civil rights act, and now with the election of our first black president, these acts can be mere formalities without the commitment to reconciliation and long-term change in attitude. i cried because i know that there are people in our country, our country which we are so proud of at this moment, who might do the very same thing to their darker-skinned neighbors today. i cried because we are so far from equality, and in the moments when it sinks in deep enough to overwhelm me, all i can do is cry.

shelby steele wrote a compelling article in which he says: It is an American cultural habit to endure our racial tensions by periodically alighting on little islands of fresh hope and idealism. But true reform, like the civil rights victories of the '60s, never happens until people become exhausted with their suffering. Then they don't care who the president is.
and that made me wonder if we are yet truly exhausted with our suffering, or even truly aware of our neighbor's suffering.

i dont know what the historians will say about this moment in 10 years, 20 years, 40 years. i dont know how the landscape of racial attitudes will change in america in the next 4 years. but i do know that black men are still killing black men in my neighborhood, and neighborhoods like mine across america. attitudes of inferiority and hate have permeated minds and culture and have become ingrained. the lies of inequality have been believed and internalized. i know that i have privilege in my neighborhood, in my city, in my country, simply because of the color of my skin. i know that my neighbors believe that this is as good as it's going to get.

but i also believe that the differences among us serve to make us stronger. i pray that we choose to believe what is true about ourselves instead of what is false. i hope that we are not so intimidated by being created in the image of God to embrace the truth that, in fact, our neighbors have been created in that same image as well. i also know that the promise of a Beloved Community is true, firm, and real. i know that one day we will see it in full and we will not recognize ourselves. i know that it is beyond the power of any man, woman, or child to bring about--whether the president of america or the president of the block club. i have seen glimpses of it here and by the grace of God i hope that you catch those glimpses too.

For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. (Romans 8:22-25)

2008-10-12T22:53:00.002-05:00

it's really hitting me now. next sunday will be my last time to attend regular worship at Redeemer for as long as i can tell. its a strange feeling because i'm not leaving the city, yet i will be leaving the body, the community, that i have worshipped with for the past 2 years. i have never been a part of a church body for that long, ever.

if you had told me, before i came to new orleans, that i would end up in a church that looked like redeemer, i would have told you you were crazy. yet, God is crazier!!! God brought me into this body, this family of believers less than a year after its post-katrina re-start. what struck me and kept me was the people, since you know, they are after all what God uses to build his church here. it was the people--their welcoming spirit, their encouragement, their love for me. it helped that nearly everyone i met there was also a new transplant to the city. but the way God answered my prayers through this body has been amazing. i have grown deeper in my relationship with God and in my ability to love this city because of Redeemer Presbyterian Church--without a doubt. i never really knew what a presbyterian was before i got here; now i am proud to align myself with this group of people. were it not for my Redeemer family, i probably would not have stayed in New Orleans beyond my first-year commitment.

at the same time, i have been part of God's work planting a new church in the 8th ward. being part of St. Roch is so exciting to me and has also provided so many answers to my prayers. this is a body and a family like i have never known--the Lord is so good!!!

at first, it all worked out so nicely--Redeemer in the morning and St. Roch in the evening. but now, the inevitable has come. our sanctuary at st roch is nearly completed and we will be moving to morning services beginning on oct 25. less than 2 weeks away! while i will still participate in redeemer community group and hope for my friendships to continue to grow and flourish, for me it means the end of corporate worship with my Redeemer family. this saddens me very deeply. at times when i have left the city, i have felt a tangible separation from the community that the Lord has given me here. one of the most beautiful things i have witnessed in my 2+ years of living here was the service at Redeemer on the sunday following hurricane gustav. i cant explain it but being reunited with that group of people, and being reminded of God's sovereignty, grace, and beauty in all the unexplainables of our world moved me deeply.

none of this is to discredit my commitment or love for my st. roch church family--i know there is much excitement and anticipation for all that is to come, but for now i am very sad that i have just one sunday left with my redeemer family.

it's not just a game

2008-10-05T13:53:00.002-05:00

how can i explain this to make you understand? if you are a part of the demographic who grew up with a strong loyalty to a particular team in a particular city that, some might say, exceeds normal fan-ness, then i dont have to explain. and if you were not so lucky then you do require an explanation. because it doesnt make sense, doesnt seem worth it, irrational perhaps. and on most days i would agree. this team owes me nothing, i have done nothing to contribute to their success on the field and honestly most days when the final out is recorded, i can leave it at that. but those are the days when there is a tomorrow . those are the days when that game didnt end all the hopes for that season.

and this season has been different. this has been the first season in a long time that i actually followed for most of the year. i really felt a part of the movement this year, even after having been a fan for 26 years. this is not just something i decided one day to go along with; this was a condition that i was born into. inheritance, genetics, whatever--there was no avoiding it.

and this season was different not just because of me but because it was really happening. they had their best season in a long time . they had the best record in the national league. everyday was a new hero. and now, its all over. this team was favored to WIN the world series. you dont just build up hope and expectation like that without having some sort of effect on people. when it doesnt happen, its a major let down.

no i've never met these athletes and no i probably never will. but they poured their heart and soul out onto the field every game for the last 160+ games. it's just so hard to wrap my mind around what we watched over the past few days. how did it all go so terribly wrong? caring about this is no longer in the realm of something i've chosen. i care, and i'm not sorry that i care. like when a good friend lets you down, i feel it. it makes me sad. it is baseball AND it is something serious. no i havent lost my appetite and no i havent given up on life. though i'm sure there are some who have and i understand that completely.

so if you dont understand, dont say anything. dont ask questions or attempt to lessen the significance to the affected party. this too, sigh, shall pass. wounds will heal and next year we'll try again. but this one really hurt and the memory of a cubs fan can be a dangerous thing.

nonstop action!!

2008-09-07T22:18:00.003-05:00

well, if you're still keeping track of my movements then you hopefully figured out that i made it back to new orleans safely on friday afternoon. it was smooth sailing the whole time, no traffic problems. thanks again to all who sent their well wishes and thoughts and prayers and encouragement while i was in evacuation mode. while we tried to lighten the mood, there were many many tense moments. i'm sending out my love in thanks all over!!!

as soon as i got back i got to packing up all my stuff to move over to the new apartment, which i had intended to do last weekend. i am really amazed at how quickly it all happened!! needless to say i couldnt have done it all without some amazing help from my church family--they really did all the big heavy stuff, i sort of meandered around trying to give instructions =) my stuff is slowly making its way out of bags, boxes, and piles into some sort of order in the new apartment, but it will be a slow process i'm afraid.

all this and we're also keeping an eye on hurricane ike!!!! i really hope it stays away from us. i've been thinking a lot about haiti, with all these recent storms. we think here that we are somehow immune from a second storm after we've been hit by one but there's no reason why we're out of harm's way. haiti has been hit by gustav, hanna, AND ike. i think it probably got hit by fay last month too! anyway, i recently finished reading "mountains beyond mountains" which tells some of paul farmer's story of starting several health clinics in rural haiti and his philosophy of preferential treatment for the poor. this is not intended to be a book report, though i highly recommend it, but rather a backdrop for my thoughts on the country. we talk about how katrina revealed poverty and brokenness in new orleans but as i was reminded by reading the partners in health website, haiti never had any levees to hold water back. while its bad when the levees fail, imagine if we never had any kind of structure to keep the waters away. and talk about a foundation of poverty and no infrastructure--while new orleans seems like third world sometimes, it is still a part of the world's richest country. haiti is probably a lot farther down on the list...

back to n.o.

2008-09-04T17:41:00.000-05:00

hey y'all
looks like i'll be headed back to the big easy tomorrow (friday) i've heard from several friends that power is on in my neighborhood (perhaps even that it never went out) and i know now there are several grocery stores and gas stations re-opened. probably will be even more by the time i get there tomorrow afternoon.
if you hear nothing else, i'll be on the road soon!
emily

quiet day

2008-09-02T18:49:00.003-05:00

today was pretty quiet, compared to the excitement of yesterday. i went out with some friends to get an evacuation pedicure, which was lovely. i relaxed around the house and almost won a game of scrabble. everyone's been asking all day when we can get back to new orleans. they're doing the re-entry in phases so that all essential personnel will be prepared for the influx of residents. that includes not only first responders and utility workers but store owners, gas station people, etc. i texted a friend and he said he thinks that power never went out in my neighborhood, but it's hard to know for sure. entergy is working as hard and as quickly (and carefully) as they can, but we're not able to get very speedy updates. gustav is not quite letting go--there were still tornado warnings in the new orleans area, as well as up here in the jackson area.
will update as i have new information!
love, emily

not quite over

2008-09-01T21:30:00.002-05:00

well, we have not seen the last of gustav. the outer bands were still causing tornado warnings and watches into this evening, as far north as here in jackson. i heard some tornado sirens, but nothing hit the immediate area that i'm staying in, praise the Lord! it looks like it's still raining in new orleans, so that hopefully won't accumulate too rapidly to cause flooding. c.ray says that new orleans residents will not be allowed to return tuesday, and maybe not even wednesday. he hopes to give an update tomorrow evening on our allowed return to the city. i wonder what the reverse migration traffic will be like!

i cannot say enough how much i appreciate all the love/concern/prayers/care that has poured in from all over the place. clearly i am not in evacuation with my own family, although i am with people who have become my extended family in new orleans. it was very encouraging to know so many people were thinking about us here in the path of gustav, checking in on what was happening. i dont know how to thank you all!!!!!!!!

til tomorrow =)
emily

praise the Lord!

2008-09-01T16:17:00.001-05:00

looks like the worst of it is behind us--crazy the ups-and-downs of emotions that this kind of thing can put you through. as the storm continues inland, it will die down evenutally. everyone is saying the damage is not near what was anticipated and there was much less storm surge than was forecasted. there is still a need to keep an eye on those outer bands (n.g.v.--new gustav vocab) which have some pretty active tornadic (ngv) activity, but other than that we missed the worst of it. looks like the overtopping of the levees has stopped with a shift in the wind direction and the streets are no longer flooded. praise God!!!!! thanks for all your thoughts and prayers!

upper ninth

2008-09-01T11:42:00.002-05:00

there is water lapping over the top of the levees on the industrial canal, causing flooding to the west in the upper ninth ward--my neighborhood!! please pray for the neighborhood, as it sustained much damage from katrina and the news just said there are still people there who did not evacuate. the neighborhood usually floods a good amount each time it rains, so flooding is not new to the area but we dont want the water to get too high!! the levee has NOT breached, and the army corps is saying they don't think it will, but the water levels are high enough to be overflowing. please pray with me!!!

here he comes!

2008-09-01T09:43:00.002-05:00

last night i was watching the weather channel before bed. the anchor in the studio was talking with a reporter standing in front of a house boat in houma, la. there was a family still in that houseboat--the anchor asked the reporter what he could say to that family to convince them to leave. the reporter says he tried to tell them, there'd be the surge of the waves, the wind, the rain, but they refused to leave. "i asked them why they were staying and, blieve it or not, they said because the kids wanted to....." he reports "...I mean who's in charge here?" he asks, stating the question that would be on any sane person's mind. After a few stumbling seconds of just trying to come to terms with the situation, he frankly looks into the camera and says, "You know folks, we can't save everyone..." and moves on to tell of gustav's current movement. i couldnt believe it.

last night i was really feeling nervous--what would i wake up to? what would be left of new orleans? and even in jackson, there's forecasts of flash flooding, thunderstorms, wind gusts. during katrina, i have learned, power was out here for a week! we have contingency plans galore, so we wont be stuck. it's just the nervous anticipation. and not something that we fear might happen...now just a matter of watching it happen before our eyes and just wondering how bad its really going to be.

with katrina, maybe i heard about it ahead of time while flipping through the channels but i didnt know anyone who was in the expected path of the storm. there wasn't all this anxiety of the build up, watching the system spin around, "barrelling" closer to the shore. with katrina, it was just the aftermath that i watched. this is a whole added component, seeing it from before, anticipating it.

as of this morning, it appears that the eye (and eye-wall) of the storm will be hitting southwest of new orleans, though still making direct hit on the louisiana coast. it's coming on shore as a category 2, though they're saying there's a lot of rain that will last for days with it. the most recent shots of new orleans that i saw didnt show any street flooding, so that's good. but, as we know, it doesnt take too much to flood the streets so we'll see how long that lasts.

here's hoping!
emily

gustav, a day away

2008-08-31T11:05:00.003-05:00

it is expected that gustav will make landfall sometime tomorrow (monday, sept 1) happy labor day! the news is saying that he could hit anywhere from east texas to the alabama/florida border. that is a WIDE swath. apparently ray nagin has called gustav "the mother of all storms" and technically i think he would be the "father of all storms," but who's counting. why is it that in times like this, the masters of hyperbole are those with the most power? do you think there is a direct correlation there? perhaps it really will be the storm to end all storms, but who knows? perhaps he just needed to put that extra oomph to drive home the point that you MUST leave new orleans. there are no shelters in new orleans. if you stay, you are on your own. there will be a curfew and anyone not on their own property will be subject to arrest.

the friends who were going to ride with me ended up on a city-evacuation bus headed to arkansas. "how far away is arkansas?" my friend asked me when she called from the bus. that was yesterday evening--hopefully she's there by now.

we met a woman last night at a restaurant in downtown jackson who had evacuated here from grand isle, louisiana. that's one of those towns on the tippy tip of the boot-toe of the state. she was really proud to tell us that we could find pictures of her wedding online. you wont believe your eyes!

this is a strange thing for me. it kind of feels like a long holiday weekend, but gustav has never been off my mind. there's no sense in worrying because that wont change the course of the storm. i'm learning that even jackson will feel some effects--high winds, thunderstorms, potential power outtages--but not enough to evacuate from here. i've never done this before and its a weird state to know that in a matter of hours your whole life could take a drastic turn. i'm with friends here and i am being well taken care of! i'll try to keep the updates coming as i can.

love, emily

gustav update

2008-08-30T13:41:00.002-05:00

greetings from sunny jackson, mississippi!
yes you read that right, i'm in jackson, not baton rouge as originally planned. i'm doing fine and now just waiting, like the rest of the country, to see what gustav will do when he makes landfall (expected early tuesday, sept 2). (thats the abbreviated version. see below for more details)

all this gustav-talk started early this past week in new orleans. i am usually one to react to such news with hyper anxiety but i took bob breck's advice (bobbreck.blogspot.com) and didnt freak out. although it seemed like the rest of the city was already in freak-out mode, which is understandable since three years ago to the week most people lost everything they owned. EVERYTHING. so better to freak out than be sorry, right? i figured i'd wait and see what the forecasters said, if/when evacuation would be necessary.
early in the week i was still hoping my weekend plans would involve moving (to a new apartment a few blocks away, plans that were made the week before gustav) rather than evacuating. as it got to the middle of the week, the people closest to me were talking about evacuating and thats what made me realize, hm, i dont want to be left behind. originally i was going to go with some friends to north carolina, then to atlanta. then to baton rouge since that would be closer (no need to go all the way to the atlantic coast to avoid the storm) and easier/quicker to return to new orleans if gustav should change his path. i was really not interested in a prolonged adventure. another friend offered for me to join her in jackson, mississippi but for the time being i was set on going to baton rouge. my preference was to not leave new orleans with four empty seats in my car--given the high number of people i know who dont have personal transportation, i figured SOMEONE would need a ride somewhere. my second prefernce was to stay with people i knew.
at the same time that i was trying to maintain calm and listen to bob breck, the city already seemed to be doing a better job of preparing for this storm, than it had with katrina. the governor was being very very pro-active, the mayor was talking about the plan (wow, an actual plan!) to get everyone out of the city with enough buses, etc. that was re-assuring, minus the fact that it would mean i'd have to go. up until thursday evening i really was feeling calm and cool about the whole thing and still hoping i wouldnt have to leave until sunday, saturday evening at the earliest. then i heard the mayor say on the news that he'd probably call a mandatory evacuation on saturday afternoon. from all i had heard my friends talking about their previous evacuation experiences, its best to leave before the mandatory evacuation call. a few years ago, some friends evacuated and it took them 8 hours to get to slidell, which is probably about 50 miles from new orleans. sheesh! i didnt want that to happen.
so then my mind was set on evacuate-friday-mode. and thats when the nerves started. i had to remind myself that it wasnt so much that i would need to evacuate with the storm on my heels (think indiana jones and the ginormous boulder rolling behind him) but more so evacuating before the hordes to avoid the news-making traffic jams. at this point, i was going to go with some people from st roch community church, including the pastor and his wife and some other friends. my empty passenger seats would be filled and we'd head to baton rouge. as the day progressed, i waited on word that it was time to go. plans were falling into place but then we realized that heading to baton rouge wasnt going to be the best decision. and the family i was supposed to take with me decided they'd rather wait for the mandatory call and take the city-sponsored buses. so. i had to decide what now to do. i called up my friend who had offered me a place in jackson and asked if it was too late (this was friday afternoon). she generously said no, the offer was still good! so i went home, got my bags, and made my way up to mississippi. some other friends of mine are staying in jackson too and we met up for dinner along the way last night.
and that brings me to now. i'm hoping to be here until next wednesday or thursday at the latest. this is looking like it will be an extended labor day vacation in mississippi. yahoo!!!! i'm glad to be out of new orleans and now i just play the wait-and-see game like everyone else.

packing my bags was interesting....how do you decide what to take when you realize that whatever you leave might be lost for good? and i think of my neighbors, many of whom will be part of the new city-wide plan to evacuate everyone with buses to various locations outside of the city. they are making very clear now that if you stay and resist the mandatory evacuation, you are on your own. there are no city shelters. what about those people who are barely scraping by? now they will be dropped off in a new city to wait-and-see. evacuation is expensive, not to mention the lost time of missing work. so many factors, so many things to consider, on top of the fact that you might be watching your city get destroyed for the second time in three years. yes, hurricanes are a fact of life living in coastal louisiana. but that doesnt make it any easier to deal with. i'm just hoping and praying that God will spare not only new orleans but all the cities and people along the gulf coast. may He turn gustav back to the sea, away from civilization. i'm also praying for those people in jamaica, haiti & the d.r., cuba, and the cayman islands who have already felt the brunt of gustav.

i will keep you posted if there is anything to report. the websites i'm watching are: bobbreck.blogspot.com and nhc.noaa.gov

with love, emily

new st roch video!!

2008-06-06T12:07:00.001-05:00

please check out our new video!

ashes, ashes, we all fall down

2008-02-06T22:07:00.000-06:00

coming into ash wednesday, i went back in forth in my mind about the idea of getting the symbolic ash mark on my forehead. this is never something i had needed to consider before and i was intrigued. in ash wednesdays past, i have been one of those people strangely drawn to stare at anyone with the forehead marking. i understand what it represents but i was torn. torn because on the one hand, the bible tells us not to make a big scene of our fasting or praying or other acts--for the sake of being seen--but that our Father in heaven sees and rewards and that if we are doing it to be seen we need to check our hearts. on the other hand, baptism, a very significant gesture and sign in the life of a christ-follower is all about being an outward declaration to the world of the direction and posture of your life in Christ. really, honestly, despite all this holy talk, my vanity was really about to get the best of me. did i really want that ashy stuff on my foreheard all day? did i want the strange looks and the questions from the kids in the neighborhood? did i want to have to explain it over and over, perhaps even to people to whom explanations really didn't matter?
but as i sat there in the beginning of the ash wednesday service, a stronger thought came to me-- I NEED THIS. i not only need everything that is represented by this ash, this sign, this season, but i NEED this shot to my vanity. if lent is everything it's cracked up to be, then it's a set aside time to focus on our repentance...and our ability to rest in the finished work of Christ on the cross. it is a time for me to choose, to attempt, to admit i fail at putting aside my vanity YET all the while rejoice in Christ's unconditional forgiveness. i needed this reminder, this sign that stared back at me every time i looked in the mirror today. i need to be reminded that i AM set apart. and frankly, if explaining an ashy smudge on my forehead was the strongest sign of Christ to those around me today, then taking up my cross daily compelled me to do it. was i really about to choose my own vanity over an outward sign of my faith? isn't that what this is all about?

people of God, come now in the spirit of penitence, and receive on your head in ashes the sign of the cross, the symbol of our mortality, a symbol of the cost of sin, and yet the sign of our salvation and promise of eternal life.

ain't that just the kicker??!?! that one smudge represents my mortality, the cost of my sin AND YET the sign of my salvation and promise of eternal life. as if my wearing of the ash had ANYthing at all to do with accomplishing anything. my world boils down to how the ash will match or clash with my current day's outfit when in TRUTH and reality, the ash actually represents all that has already and forever been done to absolve me of my own self-full-ness, the illusion of the earth's orbit around me. amazing. i could wear the ash or not, it truly changes naught. God's mercy has been activated once and for all....and all i am thinking about is the pore-clogging-factor.

remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return.

May our fasting be hunger for justice; our alms, a making of peace; our prayer, the chant of humble and grateful hearts.

the pastor spoke of the lenten tradition of fasting and sacrifice. he reminded us that the emphasis is not on giving up bad things. those bad things, of course, are actually to be given up all year long. no, the point of this fast is not to give up those things that lead us into sin or temptation but to give up good things...for the sake of seeing what's better. i indulge in chocolate and my enjoyment often ends at the chocolate for chocolate's sake. however, this time of pensiveness and abstinence pushes me to think of where that chocolate's goodness comes from...it forces me to remember that for all the goodness of the gift, the Giver is inherently and infinitely better.

were the whole realm of nature mine, that were an offering far too small; love so amazing, so divine, demands my soul , my life, my all.

teach us Lord to count our days, that we may gain a wise heart. satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, so that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. through Christ, our Lord. amen.

Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity. (joel 2. 13)

Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
O God of my salvation,
and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. (psalm 51.14-17)

bearing shame and scoffing rude, in my place condemned he stood, sealed my pardon with his blood, Hallelujah! What a Savior!
Guilty, vile, and helpless we; spotless Lamb of God was he; full atonement! Can it be?
Hallelujah! What a Savior!

Go in peace, remembering that you are but dust and ashes and unworthy of being called the people of God. But also remember that, you who were no people, God by His love and grace has made a people, children of his own household. Let us go forth in humility to be Christ to the world.

family vacation!

2008-01-08T22:05:00.000-06:00

as many of you know, my family recently ventured to the other side of the world (the antipodes as my mom was fond of saying) for an adventure-vacation in australia and new zealand. this was our first family vacation in about 10 years and we had a blast! you can go here to check out the pictures, which pretty much tell the story.

here's the breakdown of the trip...
day 1: arrived in sydney, australia after 18 hours of flying. i was glad to get off that plane! apparently sunlight helps stave off jet lag so my family kept me in the sun while we strolled through the botanic gardens in the center of sydney. later that day we took a tour of the sydney opera house and then watched a performance of the christmastime favorite, the nutcracker.
day 2: while mom and brother andrew enjoyed a ferry ride around sydney harbor, my dad and i did some more walking to get some good photos of the opera house and harbor bridge. then we met my mom and brother at the taronga zoo on the other side of the harbor. we mostly stuck to the australian animal exhibit so we saw the kangaroos, emu, koalas, wombats, and other native beasts. we had a delicious lunch with a great view of the sydney harbor. that evening we made our way over to bondi beach which is a popular surfing destination and enjoyed some tasty fare overlooking the ocean.
day 3: we flew from sydney to christchurch, new zealand. did you know that new zealand has a north and a south island? well christchurch is the largest city on the south island, with a population of approximately 400,000. it's a quaint town with lots of pretty english-style gardens. unfortunately, our dinner that night took about 3 hours to hit the table so if you visit christchurch, plan to eat somewhere other than pescatore in the george hotel.
day 4: we picked up the tranz scenic train in christchurch for the cross-country trip to greymouth. the train ride was bumpy but the scenery was amazing. we went through 19 tunnels! they even had an observation car that was completely open on top and sides for optimal viewing. we had a nice lunch in greymouth, hopped in our rental suv and started the drive to fox glacier. we had this cool gps-tour-guide system hooked up in our car. it was connected to a satellite so it always knew our coordinates on the map and would give us narration that fit according to where we were or the town we were passing through. this was so cool! there were several times where our guide, jonathan, drew our attention to various aspects of the landscape or background of the area that we otherwise would not have known! plus we learned some neat maori legends.
day 5: in the morning we hiked to see fox glacier. in the afternoon we hiked around lake matheson, which (on a clear day) has great reflections of the mountains behind. unfortunately it was a little cloudy so we had some great reflections of the clouds.
day 6: after breakfast looking out on mount cook (nz's highest peak) we made our way towards queenstown. we heard all about the adrenaline-pumping activites to be enjoyed in queenstown, though i made a mental note take the leisure route instead.
day 7: first day in queenstown. while mom and andrew braved a jet boat ride on the dart river, dad and i experienced some native nz wildlife at a bird sanctuary. in the afternoon we went mini-golfing at one of the coolest mini-golf places i've ever seen. a free lollipop appears when you get the ball in the hole on #18!! that night we dined at saffron, which is apparently on the list of top restaurants in all of new zealand!
day 8--christmas: my dad and i visited an anglican church in the center of town which was full of visitors. the service was nice and i enjoyed hearing the carols sung with a new zealand accent. my mom and brother were out on a 4-wheel drive tour of the scenes from the "lord of the rings" movies. we met up for lunch where we HAD to go to an asian restaurant. we HAD to because it's christmas tradition and because...those were the only restaurants open!!
day 9: we flew to wellington, the capital of new zealand (located on the southern portion of the north island) we didnt have too much time but we visited te papa, which is a cultural and historical museum about new zealand. it was really neat! then we made our way around a windy mountain road to the wharekauhau country estate.
day 10: we had a farm tour in the morning and then relaxing in the afternoon. a nice massage topped things off! also we got to eat dinner with the other guests and it was fun to exchange various travel stories.
day 11: time to leave wharekauhau and drive through wine country to napier. it was rainy most of the day and was still raining when we arrived. they (and i dont know who they is in this case) say that napier is the art deco capital of the world but given that it's a pretty small town, it's probably more likely the art deco capital of new zealand. the whole town was rebuilt after an earthquake destroyed everything in the 1920s.
day 12: on to rotorua. we had a mid-day stop in taupo, the home of lake taupo, new zealand's biggest lake. that evening we walked around lake rotorua and observed the behavior of some BLACK swans
day 13: full day geo-culture tour since rotorua is home to many native maori people and also a lot of geothermal activity. we saw so much--boiling mud, active geysers, steaming lakes, maori carving... it was a jam-packed day!
day 14: before driving to auckland we stopped at the tourist favorite, the agrodome! we saw an "authentic" sheep show with the parade of sheep and even some on-stage shearing. it was a lot of fun and we even got to take pictures with the sheep. do you know there are at least 19 different breeds of sheep??? amazing. then in order to quench my brother's taste for more adrenaline-pumping-activities, he braved the zorb. for those who don't know, it's a giant rubber sphere and you roll around in the sphere going down a hill. it was fun to watch and he said it was fun to do! after that we hit the road. we stopped in hamilton which is the largest inland city in all of new zealand. our in-car tour guide had told us this region was notable for its dairy and beef farming so we tried the milkshakes and hamburgers. important to sample the local product! we arrived in auckland and walked around the city. then we enjoyed a lovely new year's eve dinner on the harbor. after a rousing game of family scrabble, we stepped outside our hotel and watched the fireworks from the skytower. happy 2008!! (by 12:30am we were sleeping!)
day 15: the end of new zealand...we hopped onto a plane to cross the cook strait and spend one more day in sydney. we had a nice dinner, reflected on the trip, and prepared for our long journey back to the states.
day 16: our flight departed sydney around 1pm on january 2nd and we arrived in los angeles at 8am...january 2nd!! crazy!

if you've made it this far, i'm sure you can see why this trip was so great! i would highly recommend a visit to new zealand, especially if you like beautiful scenery, unspoiled nature, and adventure activities. there's even a few things to keep you busy if you prefer to take the leisurely route =)

what am i doing?

2007-11-04T13:58:00.000-06:00

it has come to my attention that i havent written a blog update in a while, and i havent really given an informative update on life since the "new" job began. the ironic thing is that i spend so much time checking my friend's blogs and wondering why they don't update more...all the while neglecting to update my own! well, i'm taking my turn now =)
i've gotten some questions about what it is i'm actually doing now. well, if you are a regular blog follower, then you know that, as of august 20, 2007, i became an official staff member of desire street ministries. last year was an internship where i was just placed with desire street/CURE, but this is a real job. more specifically, i'm working with a brand-new church plant called St. Roch Community Church. this church plant was born out of a desire of some core families who have lived in the st. roch/st. claude neighborhood for several years. they had been staff members at desire street ministries and returned to the city after the storm. while the desire neighborhood (desire street ministries' original focus) still looks much the same as it did right after the storm, the st. roch/st. claude neighborhoods sustained less flooding and were thus able to re-populate more quickly. st. roch is technically in the 8th ward of new orleans and st. claude is in the upper ninth ward.
when i agreed to come on staff with desire street, i knew i would be working for the new church but i have to admit that i thought the transition would be a little more drawn-out. but no. on my very first day on staff, i reported to the (under-construction) church building and was sent out to get supplies to make our one usable space suitable to be an office. it has been a crazy 2 1/2 months since then!
my official role is "church administrator." basically that means that it' s my job to keep everyone organized and the administrative aspects of the church operating smoothly. also, i've been working with the kids in the neighborhood quite a bit. i'm helping with our after-school activities, which includes helping with homework, playing games, doing arts & crafts etc. there's a FEMA trailer park right next to the church, so there are always plenty of kids hanging around. also, the church is going to be a volunteer income tax assistance (VITA) site this year and i am serving as the site coordinator. this will put my skills from NSP to good use!! i have been busy contacting universities and churches around the city to recruit volunteers, as well as putting together marketing materials for both volunteers and clients. it's gonna be busy until tax time begins!
as a young church, we're doing quite a lot. we have a monthly outreach/block party to get to know our neighbors. we've been having sunday night bible studies since february and since september we've been having a weekly prayer meetings on wednesday nights. also, our new pastor and his wife moved down in august and just last week our pastor officially passed his examination to become ordained! this is a very exciting time for the church. if you are of the praying persuasion, please keep St. Roch Community Church in your prayers, as well as the people in the community. you can check out our website (www.strochcc.org) for more specific ways to pray for and support the work of this new church!
the work of the church honestly takes up most of my time. things are going well with my roommate, melanie. she is a second-grade teacher through teachnola, working at gentilly terrace elementary school just a few miles from where we live. we've gotten to know a bunch of our neighbors and are really enjoying living on our block.

if you watch only one tv show...

2007-09-18T12:18:00.001-05:00

...make it something other than "K-Ville."

i was actually looking forward to watching the premiere of the new Fox cop drama last night since it is being filmed in New Orleans and supposedly would have post-Katrina New Orleans as a main character. i'll just save you the suspense and tell you now i was pretty disappointed. admittedly, i'm not a big fan of the crime-drama genre to begin with, so perhaps i should have prepared myself for some of the artificial drama they would cook up. but i was under the impression that it would be more like a show reflecting the actual problems and crime that are a part of the city's reality today. but instead, the first episode was about a conspiracy theory involving a downtown casino and a private security company. maybe this is typical crime-drama fare but i didnt think new orleans was represented well.

first of all, the cop played by cole hauser supposedly came to serve on the nopd from cincinatti, after having spent time in the military. but as we find out at the end (attention, spoiler alert) he is actually a convicted criminal from new orleans. he was in prison during the storm and when it flooded, he escaped and somehow ALL the records were lost. apparently they were so thoroughly lost that he had no problem becoming a new orleans police officer. what!? thanks for adding to the image of corruption. second of all, daytime shootings in the french quarter? no. and that wont help the image of a tourist-friendly place. drive-by shootings with machine guns? no. the writers even had the nerve to suggest that you can still smell "toxic sludge" throughout the city. i'm not sure what kind of scent that is, but i have a feeling that if it was still an issue i would be able to smell it. but no. and the topper was this: in the beginning the cop played by anthony anderson said he was attending a neighbor's gumbo party. now, i am not a new orleans veteran but i have talked to some and none of us have ever heard of a gumbo party.

now i understand that it adds money to the local economy to shoot the show here, so i think that is a great thing. but will it really add sympathy (and more importantly, compassion-driven action) to new orleans' cause? will it become just another backdrop for just another crime-drama? imagining new orleans is like "k-ville" is like imagining that life in new york is like "nypd blue." if you want to know what life is like, come visit.

and if you want to know what other new orleanians had to say, check this out.

august 29: a day (un)like any other day

2007-08-30T09:29:00.000-05:00

I wondered what today would be like. There were not as many memorial and commemorative ceremonies planned today as there were on this date a year ago. I didn’t know how it would be for the people in my life who are native new orleanians, people who waded through flood waters and were displaced thousands of miles from home. How does one commemorate an event whose effects are still being felt, an event that, in essence, has not really yet ended?

As I was in the car with patricia, with whom I have been working in the CURE office for the past several months, I asked her if she had any plans to commemorate Katrina. No, she said, she doesn’t want to give any more time or energy to thinking about it. And I realized in that moment that not a single day goes by here where the storm and its effects are not remembered, blamed, looked to as an explanation for current conditions. There is no one here whose life was not effected by the storm. Even I, who moved here just after the 1-year anniversary of Katrina, can see the noticeable results in my life of a storm that hit a city I did not yet know.

So, today proceeded like a typical day. We had a birthday party for stacy, who is indicative of another way my life has changed in the past two years since Katrina. It was Katrina and her damages that brought me down here, yet it’s the relationships and community that have developed around me that kept me here. Stacy is a part of that. Stacy’s birthday originated before Katrina was a curse word in these parts and in true new Orleans fashion, celebrations for stacy will continue long after Katrina’s sting has eased. I went to a hardware store and overheard a man talking about several other hurricanes he had lived through in new Orleans. Not something unusual for any day in this below-sea-level city.

Later I drove around taking pictures of houses to present the juxtaposition of aug 29 2005 to aug 29 2007. it would probably be more accurate to document September 15 2005 versus September 15 2007, since it took that long for most of the water to be pumped out of the houses it had long destroyed by then. As I snapped some photos to point out how little has changed, it occurred to me that that’s not the impression I want to give. Yes, new Orleans is still very very broken. Yes, there are many parts of the city that look like the storm just passed yesterday. Yes, there is still years and years of work to be done. But yes, this city is being rebuilt. Yes, families are living here; normal people are actually getting on with their lives. Next to a leaning, overgrown house is a newly painted one with a “for rent” sign. There are some blocks with maybe one house still needing to be gutted; there are other blocks with maybe one house that is habitable.

I think this city has always been one of great paradox. You can choose which parts to see and revel in and which parts to hide or deny. All I ever knew of new Orleans before I came was mardi gras and the French quarter. But there is so much more. And in relation to Katrina, we can hide in those parts of uptown and the garden district that didn’t get flooded…or we can scan more widely and accept that large parts of the city still have yet to begin healing. I think the only just view is one that encompasses both. Because, in the moments I am honest with myself, that is just like my life. I am a person of great paradox. I can choose to boast of my strengths and those parts of myself that show little damage or I can expose those parts of me that are broken and dark and in need of serious repair. To deny the full picture will only bring partial healing. But to accept and bring to light all that is destroyed is the only way to address all that hurts.

how many times can one person move away from home?

2007-08-12T21:54:00.001-05:00

i can't quite verbalize all that occurred to me in that instant on the plane, but as we pulled into the terminal at o'hare, with the overly restless white sox fan sitting to my left, i began to think. something about coming "home" and what that means.

it occurred to me that i needed, and was perhaps watching myself prepare, to let go of the dual-identity that i have been maintaining for so long. i felt like i was standing on the edge, in that place of wanting to hold on to both worlds as long as i can, wanting to continue to be independent and dependent at the same time. i want to have my own life but also slip back into this life too. i want the safety net of both homes, of sort of playing house wherever i lived but being able to count on the more permanent place of the home where i grew up.

these thoughts make that bon jovi country song keep playing on a loop in my head. i'm not saying you can't go back but i have been living a life in-between for quite some time. it's a strange existence where my permanent address has been a place where i haven't lived for more than a month in nearly 6 years. it's an existence where, when i leave the place i'm living i say i'm going home but when i return to that same place, i'm also going home. home is in either and both directions for me. and i realized during that landing that i really like this flexibility, of being able to go "home" anytime and slide right in. but i cant have a split focus forever. part of staying in new orleans was this idea of establishing some sort of roots. that doesn't mean i'll stay forever, but i think it requires a mental shift. maybe it's because i'm actually moving all my furniture and living some place where i have to pay all the bills. maybe it's because my mom told me the next time i move, i pay. whatever it is, there is a shift.

i'd like to think i'm ready for it, but large parts of me are scared, anxious, wanting to leave the big stuff for my parents to sort out, to do what grown-ups do. part of that too is that mostly when i look in the mirror, the word "adult" is not the first thing that comes to mind. but i learned recently that i have a terrible habit of comparing myself to others' appearances...so i must trust that what i see in my reflection is where and who i am right now, and thus where and who i should be. i'm entering a time that is distinctly different to the pattern i have grown accustomed to: go home on set breaks because someone else has decided my schedule. i don't think i'm still trapped in a college mindset but i have to admit--it's very convenient. i've been taking baby steps, well maybe toddler steps, into the "real world" since graduation 3 years ago, but this feels like the biggest step yet. it's like with every forward step i have taken, i have not committed fully to being all there. now, it's like moving more fully in a forward direction. maybe that's it--this actually feels like something different. i'm not in a program, i get to set my own rules, for goodness sake i have a real job! it's fitting then that something would feel different...and just in time.

i would like to have a book that i could turn to that would say: "this is how you should feel right now." and i would adjust accordingly. but part of this process is freeing myself from the "should's" and learning instead to trust the Spirit inside of me. learning to be present in each moment.

yet another part of it is this--my desire for home will never be entirely satisfied, no matter where i physically live. that is part of the way i was created...

They did not receive what was promised, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed it. They agreed that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth. Obviously people who say such things are looking forward to a country they can call their own. If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back. But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. (Hebrews 11:13-16)

the home for which i am yearning is a far better place...

and in the meantime i will attempt to sow my heart's seeds in the context and setting of the story in which i find myself.

amen

my apologies

2007-07-11T16:51:00.000-05:00

firstly, let me say i am really sorry for the extended delay in posting. while i'm sure there are only a few of you who have stayed on the edge of your seat awaiting this moment, i do feel bad because it was my intention to be more prompt in posting updates. and, there actually is an update to report.

the meat of the message is this: i have decided to stay in new orleans! i have already been able to see many of you and talk to you about this in person, but i am glad to have the opportunity to share it with those who i have not seen.

as a friend told me last year when i was considering coming to new orleans for a year-long volunteer program, the time for decision would come. and come it did. as of the last update i had several clear options, but really my head was spinning with the knowledge that i could honestly, fortunately, and probably do pretty much anything i wanted to do. i was feeling so overwhelmed for most of the decision-considering process that i was really leaning towards just going back to chicago after this program was finished and taking some time to rest and make a decision, somehow immune to any of the outside influences which might have effected my decision. it was going to be just me and my thoughts. (that's a scary idea...)

all the while, i had been praying and seeking prayer for God to provide clarity, peace, discernment--all those things which seem to make the process less painful and confusing. i kept saying, and wanted to believe, that although i had several clear options i was open to wherever God was calling me.

i cant remember the exact sequence of events, but those are less important than their cumulative product. somehow, my mind began thinking about the staying-in-neworleans option differently than it had before. i began to see things here differently and began to look at the process of decision-making differently. in the end, what it boiled down to was this: i could either go home, to spend time with my thoughts, and look for an opportunity that included urban ministry, involvement with a healthy church body, living and working in the same community, and be near friends OR i could stay in new orleans which included working with an urban ministry, involvement with a healthy church body, living and working in the same community, and being with friends. hm... now, i do not mean to imply that all cities are the same or all urban ministries are the same or that my experience with any given ministry would be the same as the experience i could have in new orleans. BUT it didn't seem to make sense that i would give up what i've been building here for a year to go start somewhere else, with the goal of building something very very similar.

this process has reminded me that crucial lesson--just about the time i want to give up on a place because i dont fit in or havent connected, is right about the time that all those connections or friends i had randomly met start falling into place. just stick around long enough and things will come together. not to mention being a part of the life of a place. if living somewhere for one year gives you a picture of a place, think how much more filled-in and deep the colors of that picture can be when given more time to explore and dive into that place. so, thus was my conclusion to stay in new orleans.

now for the specifics. i will join the staff of Desire Street Ministries in New Orleans and work with several families on the start of a new church in a neighborhood near the Upper Ninth Ward. i have been promised that i will not be spending all my time at a desk...in fact i get to spend time in the neighborhood getting to know families, as well as help with an after-school program and free tax preparation! i will be moving to live closer to this neighborhood with a friend from church.

i am really excited about this opportunity and am glad to have made a decision. of course, many questions and unknowns remain, as is the natural state of life in new orleans these days. but, i have learned that faith means taking a step when you dont have all the answers and trusting that God will provide the ground to stand on at the moment you need it. and it hasn't failed yet!

to see life like this...

2007-05-10T10:25:00.001-05:00

the inspiration of this boy's story is bringing me to tears. amazing.

no-la

2007-05-04T21:14:00.000-05:00

today i had a truly unique new orleanian experience, and the type they don't tell you on the visitors' tour...

thunder and lightning woke me up about 2:30 am and it rained hard on and off all day. well apparently what happens in a city built below sea level when it rains really hard for several hours is that the roads begin to look like rivers. and so it was, when we tried to go back to work after lunch, we looked around and all we could see were cars trying to swim by, water coming up to the tops of the tires. it was craziness!!! it's a combination of being below sea level + sewers that are clogged (because the city is below sea level) + pumps that might not always be working at full force. i got even more of a taste when, in our attempt to drive home, we hit a low spot and (only by the grace of God) just barely made it through. however, not without some questionable effect to the engine--i'm getting that checked out tomorrow morning.

the weirdest part to me was how this was accepted as just a normal thing, the attitude of "this is just what happens." in my mind, coming from chicago where if the snow on your street doesnt get plowed within an hour of its landing there, you're ready to boot your representative from office, this just seemed ridiculous. as our friend from work said though, if it's 2007 and it's always been this way, what's gonna change it now? good point. and it also opened my eyes to what may have been going through the minds of some residents during the build-up to hurricane katrina. if spring and summer storms are a common occurrence, and people can normally just stay inside and shrug them off, then perhaps that is what kept so many people from taking the threats seriously...

and i realized something else, something bigger. if i was in africa, i would have far more compassion for the potentially slower pace of life and fewer modern conveniences. and thats because i am willing to embrace that culture for what it is, instead of trying to impose my standards on what i think it should be. now maybe it's harder for me to do that in relation to New Orleans because we are still in America, after all, but i think it's only fair that i extend grace to this city, as well as to its people...as well as to myself, trying to make sense of this crazy place. New Orleans has a culture all its own, as does every place on the map, and when i abandon my standards and expectations and particular cultural lens, i am freer to embrace what i see before me and celebrate the eccentricities all around. so that's what i want to try to do, flooded streets and all.

note: for the most part, i'm talking about convenience-related cultural quirks. there are clearly various cultural practices around the world that have serious moral failings. that's not what i'm addressing here.

2007-05-01T14:17:00.002-05:00

check out Displace me pictures here!

stuck in my head

2007-04-30T13:56:00.002-05:00

over the past month or so, i have not been able to get a certain song out of my mind...

Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness
and all these things shall be added unto you,
allelu, aleluia.
Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word
that proceeds from the mouth of God,
allelu, aleluia.
Ask, and it shall be given unto you, Seek, and ye shall find.
Knock, and the door shall be opened unto you,
allelu, aleluia.


it's a simple song and it's no small thing that it has been revolving in my
brain for some time.  it is an important reminder that i must keep
coming back to.

you see, i'm at that point where everyone (including myself) wants to
know "what’s next."  when i decided to come to new orleans, i was
warned by more than one person that i was really just delaying
the inevitable by doing another one-year program.  while i disagree
with this statement at some level, since even the short-term decisions
and plans that we make add up to a long-term compilation (that
john lennon quote comes to mind, “life is what happens when you
are busy making other plans”), i agree that it is somewhat easy to
pick one-year programs and not really consider the longer-term.  
and i must admit i haven't minded putting that off in the past.  i
think there's a lot of complex reasons why i've avoided really facing
the question of what i want to do in my life, some good and some
questionable.  and while i'm getting there, making progress in the
life-long process of thinking about what i would like to do in my life,
i have been reminded over and over again to seek God first.  so often,
i want to seek an answer or a magical finger pointing me in the right
direction.  but no, i'm told to wholly seek Him first.

Matthew wrote about a time that Jesus taught his disciples in the art of
not worrying.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what
you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will
wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body
more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the
air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns,
and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you
not much more valuable than they? Who of you by
worrying can add a single hour to his life?
And why do you worry about clothes? See how the
lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.
Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his
splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is
how God clothes the grass of the field, which is
here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire,
will he not much more clothe you, O you of little
faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we
eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we
wear?' For the pagans run after all these things,
and your heavenly Father knows that you need
them. But seek first his kingdom and his
righteousness, and all these things will be
given to you as well. Therefore do not worry
about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry
about itself. Each day has enough trouble of
its own."  (Matthew 6.19-34)

i think it's actually pretty easy for me to trust God to provide food, clothes,
shelter on a day to day basis.  but the trickier part is trusting Him to
provide a way, trusting that if I solely seek Him and put the things
of His Kingdom forefront in my mind, that ALL ELSE will be taken
care of.  this is the part where practical emily says "ok ok, i get it, You
will provide my food and clothes. No problem.  but God, i think there
are some logistical details you're neglecting. like where will i work?
where will i live?"  ha! to suggest there is a detail that God is
neglecting, no matter the category, is like suggesting to the sun
that it has forgotten how to shine or suggesting to the earth that
it has forgotten how to spin.  it is contrary to the nature of the
very thing which i am addressing--in other words, impossible.  i
have to remind myself to remember that the “all these things”
which will be given to me do not just include food and shelter
but merely all that I need to live—a plan, a hope, a direction,
and enough faith by which to keep up the pursuit.   

cue stage-left, Faith.  faith is the assurance of things hoped for, things not
seen.  so, if i am to trust and believe and live with abandon in the assurance
of truth that by my pursuing God (and not a career path or "THE right
answer" or plan-of-my-own-creation) He will take care of all the rest, i
need to have some serious assurance of things not seen.  because it makes
no sense, it's completely upside down. the world says it's ok to trust, but
make sure you tie up any possible loose ends in case it comes back to get
you.  the world says pick a career or life-path and go at it like your life
depends on it...because it does. and God says simply and calmly to my
spirit: Follow Me.  there's no room for argument there.

talk about an upside down view/Jeremiah...in Acholi-land?

i have been reading through the book of Jeremiah again and have been
struck by several things. the first is in the message that God calls
jeremiah to deliver to the people being taken captive by the Babylonians.
he tells them they have two choices: fight back & die or surrender &
live.  The Israelites were warned of this captivity and yet refused to
repent in response to God's mercy.  it seemed to them that they had to
fight to protect their land, their families, their lives.  however, God told
them that if they fought they would die.  if they accepted what seemed
to be the illogical—to surrender to a sworn enemy—they would actually
live and prosper in the end.  How nonsensical  is that?  our culture tells
us to fight for our lives, fight for our rights.  we know we have to protect
ourselves because it seems we cannot trust anyone else to protect us.  
but God says give up and trust Me.  He tells His people that the fight
will cost them their lives but their surrender will open a door to future
blessings.  they will not die in captivity, if they remain surrendered to
God, and will be released to greater blessing into God's promises.  

an oft-quoted passage of scripture is jeremiah 29.11:  "For I know the plans
I have for you,” declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm
you, plans to give you hope and a future." reassuring, certainly, and a look
at the context of this verse sheds some interesting light.

This line is found in a letter from God to His people in exile.  Jeremiah
writes: This is what the LORD Almighty, the God of Israel,
says to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem to 
Babylon: "Build houses and settle down; plant gardens
and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and
daughters; find wives for your sons and give your
daughters in marriage, so that they too may have
sons and daughters. Increase in number there;
do not decrease.  Also, seek the peace and
prosperity of the city to which I have carried
you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it,
because if it prospers, you too will prosper”…
This is what the LORD says: "When seventy
years are completed for Babylon, I will come
to you and fulfill my gracious promise to
bring you back to this place. For I know the
plans I have for you," declares the LORD,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.  Then
you will call upon me and come and pray
to me, and I will listen to you.  You will
seek me and find me when you seek me
with all your heart. I will be found by you,"
declares the LORD, "and will bring you
back from captivity. I will gather you
from all the nations and places where I
have banished you," declares the LORD,
"and will bring you back to the place from
which I carried you into exile." 
(Jeremiah 29.4-14)

encouraging message yes, though it comes only after being told the exile
will last 70 years.  indeed i intend to live a life pursuing the welfare of
the place where i live because i have seen how my welfare is wrapped up
in that.  but how appealing is it to pursue the good of the land to which
you've been unwillingly sent?  how distracted am i on what seems like
punishment to hear that God is clearly intending to use it for my good
and His glory? His words of promise are true, but how much more
value do they have when we see that this promise was coming to people
who "should have" already lost all hope.  This promise was coming
in an unknown land, after being taken captive.  

last night, i slept on the Tulane quad to take part in a simulation of a tiny
taste of what life is like for the Acholi people in northern Uganda.  the
Acholi, similar to the Israelites, have been forced to leave their homes,
land, and livelihoods in the midst of a 21-year civil war that is tearing
their country apart. lately i have wondered, as i have before, how i can
reconcile my knowledge and faith of a loving, just, and righteous God
with all the injustice in the world.  i understand why bad things happen,
but I struggle with why bad things are allowed to continue for so long...
and how God's word can be comforting to people who are starving to
death because of a national situation that they did nothing to initiate or
perpetuate.  i have been reminded that in these times, it is God's
compassion that speaks most clearly and loudly.  while i believe in
a sovereign God, i do not think that means that God watches the world's
evil with pleasure.  to the contrary, i believe that God holds the hands
of the dying mothers, carries the starving babies in His arms and
mourns, weeps tenderly, with them.  i don’t think that any of this
pain or suffering is lost on God, but i just wish He would put it
all to an end!

jeremiah has given me hope, yet again, for the Acholi people and others
who suffer in lands across the world.  God has spoken and His promises
are true--He speaks of a hope that is unseen.  He tells us of a day when
wars will cease and there will be no more tears.  and i think a lot of the
time that He spends talking about justice and righteousness for the
oppressed and abused is a call for those of us who aren’t living in
oppressive situations to break those burdens for our brothers and
sisters who are. i wonder at God how He can write that He delights
in love, justice, and righteousness in the earth when all this suffering
happens but i think that's the point.  He doesn’t delight in the
suffering, but does delight when people respond in love.  

as i read through another section of what God said to His people in
captivity, i caught another glimpse of hope for the Acholi people in
northern Uganda.  He has promised: 
The people who survived the sword found grace in the
wilderness…I have loved you with an everlasting
love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to
you...again you shall take your tambourines, and
go forth in the dance of the merrymakers.  Again you
shall plant vineyards on the mountains of
Samaria...see I am going to bring them from the
land of the north, and gather them from the
farthest parts of the earth, among them the
blind and the lame, those with child and those
in labor, together; a great company, they shall
return here...I will turn their mourning into joy,
I will comfort them, and give them gladness for
sorrow…Keep your voice from weeping, and your
eyes from tears; for there is a reward for your
work, says the Lord: they shall come back from
the land of the enemy; there is hope for your
future... (Jeremiah 31)

i cannot imagine the faith it must take just to survive each day in
Acholi-land, but even more difficult would be surviving without
any faith, any hope of a rescue.  

and God promises the same to me.  His word is to me as it was to the
Israelites and as it is to the Acholi--fight & die or surrender & live.
i must choose to believe, i must ask the Holy Spirit to move me to believe.
i cannot make myself have faith, but i must ask to be open enough to
receive it.  i must surrender to the hope that God is calling me to,
sacrificing the smaller idols that i am tempted to fill my life with. i must
surrender to the truth that God will meet all my needs, even those
logistical ones that i am so tempted to doubt. i must surrender to seeking
God first, and trusting that all else will fall into place. i must surrender to
the love that set me free from wandering in the desert, set me free to a life
that i could never achieve on my own.  i cannot imagine the faith it must
take to survive in Uganda and i ask each day for the faith to survive in
my own land.

out like a lamb...

2007-03-31T13:32:00.000-05:00

and just like that, the month of March was gone. here's a quick recap of the past 31 days of my life...

CCDA institute, where Desire Street hosted several speakers to teach on Christian Community Development ministry; a visit from Rachel, which included a trip to the gumbo shop & hammering at a warehouse; a visit from Karrie & Chelsea, which included a parade with kissing italians, ice cream, beignets, and a pedicure; a sojourn into the all-consuming phenomenon that is the ncaa men's basketball tournament. now i can see why it's called March Madness. i had never been into this before, but living with a college basketball junkie has brought out the competitive spirit in me. i was compelled to make a bracket and now there's a chance i can beat danny wuerffel in our office pool. go buckeyes!!; many beautiful afternoons in audubon park--the average temperature here this month has been approximately 75 degrees; a friend's emergency appendicitis (don't worry, he's fine now); mardi gras indians--this is a long-standing new orleans tradition where grown men don elaborately hand-made feathered & beaded costumes and parade through the streets to commemorate the efforts of native americans in assisting blacks who were escaping slavery; a visit with some Tufts friends, here volunteering for their spring break (some other friends in the city are part of a long-term relief team that coordinated close to 2000 student volunteers during the month of march. college basketball was not the only reason for madness!); various musical performances including switchfoot, rebirth brass band, and ryan and the rhythm-makers at fritzel's european pub; dinner with Mission Year president Leroy Barber; second CDC 58:12 board meeting, which is exciting considering the CDC didn't even exist before i came here; lunch with our favorite former-new-orleanian- now-north-carolinan jeff killebrew; and tonight the month caps off with a fiesta to celebrate the engagement of a friend from church.

prayer requests:
-future steps. the program that i'm in technically ends in august. right now the choices i am looking at are: stay in new orleans to continue working with Desire Street Ministries; move to Milwaukee to live with two of my Mission Year teammates from last year and find a job; move to South Africa to live with one of my chicago friends and work for an organization that she is helping to start. i'm finding that i am very indecisive when it comes to large decisions, thus i dont know what to do. please pray for wisdom and peace and calm in this process.
-our work here & the general recovery of the city. the latest "plan" for the city's recovery was released late this week. that's plan number 5 for those of you keeping score at home, all this a good 19 months after Katrina. and this plan does not include all neighborhoods as priorities. the Desire neighborhood is one of those not included, though it is unclear what exactly that means. we will continue to fight the good fight, believing in the rights and justice of bringing people back home. it is easy to get discouraged, so please pray that we would keep a good attitude and not lose our focus.

there is much to be thankful for, including the above-mentioned details of the past 31 days. although i didn't pick one specific thing to give up for lent, i am looking forward to easter, which represents the reason for my hope--the only sense i have in believing that good will triumph, injustice will end, and love will ultimately win.

p.s. and if you are in the "young adult" demographic and you want to spend some time in New Orleans, apply for the DSM summer internship! you can get information at http://www.desirestreet.org/new/urban.php or ask me for more details